View Full Version : Jokes
timedwins7
20-05-2003, 20:42
Hey, just thought perhaps we should have somewhere to share jokes and have a laugh! Jokes don't have to be football related!
Although my first one is...
Q. What's the difference between Arsenal and an arsenist???
A. An arsenist wouldn't waste his last few matches
:D:D
Mumpleaser
21-05-2003, 08:48
This one's pretty sick, but I'll tell it anyway.
Two guys on a hiking holiday in Argentina. After 3 or 4 days the two guys start to get on each others nerves. They decide to split up and go their seperate ways and meet up att the next rendevous point the following day.
The next day the pair meet up and both seem very happy to see each other.
Guy 1: "Tell me what you got up to on your way here"
Guy 2: "Well, after we seperated I walked about 4 miles and came to a huge lake with crystal clear water and a fantastic little sand beach. I took all my clothes off and went for a swim and then made my way here. I feel totally refreshed. I'm sorry I got irritated yesterday! What did you do?
Guy 1: "Well, I walked for about a mile and came across a train track and followed it for about 2 miles. All of a sudden I saw a naked woman tied to the tracks! I couldn't believe it! I ran over to her and quickly untied her. As I tried to pick her up we started to have sex! Unbelievable! We had sex in all the positions you can imagine! It really was great sex!
Guy 2:Wow!! That's the sort of thing guys dream about! Did she suck you off as well?
Guy 1: Nah....I couldn't find her head.
Zygalski
21-05-2003, 10:45
nasty!
Mumpleaser
21-05-2003, 10:51
Sorry if anyone finds this offensive. I'll just get my coat.................
Mumpleaser
21-05-2003, 10:54
Nasty good or nasty bad? I have many more where that came from if you liked it. Not as sick, but just as good!
Mumpleaser
21-05-2003, 11:02
A rabbit goes into a butchers shop.
"I'd like some carrots please" says the rabbit.
"I'm afraid you've got the wrong shop, this is a butchers" replies the butcher.
"Oh sorry!" says the rabbit and hopped off.
The day after, the rabbit returns.
"Have you got any carrots today?"
"Look!" says the butcher, "We don't bloody well sell carrots, so just get out and don't come back...takin' the piss...furry bastard...etc"
The next day the rabbit is back.
"Excuse me mate, do you sell carrots?"
"I don't believe this!" screams the butcher. "If you don't f*ck off I'll f*ckin nail your ears to the counter.
The rabbit runs for his life.
The next day the rabbit returns.
"Have you got any nails?"
"No...." says the butcher.
"Right, I'll have some carrots then please"
rebusrahman
21-05-2003, 13:10
What's Emily Heskey's least favourite show?
Drop the Dead Donkey!
Zygalski
21-05-2003, 14:15
I meant funny but gross!
Speaking of Heskey...
http://frutsel.terrainhost.com/frutselapp/dump/Zygalski/heskeylator.jpg
Zygalski
21-05-2003, 14:16
and...
http://frutsel.terrainhost.com/frutselapp/dump/Zygalski/arsenal%20info%20minister.jpg
A bloke walks into a pub orders a pint and a pork pie, he drinks the pint and put the pork pie on his head and walks out.
He does it for a week.
The following monday he walks in ask for a pint and a pork pie, the barman say that he doesn't have any pork pies.
So the man ask for some crisps, once again he drinks the pint and stick the crisps on his head, as he is about to walk out the barman say why did you put them crisps on your head and leave?
cos' your out of pork pies the bloke reply.
A monkey walks into a bakery and ask for a loath of bread.
The baker say sliced or unsliced?
The monkey say sliced i'm on my bike.
Gooner_Harmer
21-05-2003, 20:39
Originally posted by Mumpleaser
This one's pretty sick, but I'll tell it anyway.
Two guys on a hiking holiday in Argentina. After 3 or 4 days the two guys start to get on each others nerves. They decide to split up and go their seperate ways and meet up att the next rendevous point the following day.
The next day the pair meet up and both seem very happy to see each other.
Guy 1: "Tell me what you got up to on your way here"
Guy 2: "Well, after we seperated I walked about 4 miles and came to a huge lake with crystal clear water and a fantastic little sand beach. I took all my clothes off and went for a swim and then made my way here. I feel totally refreshed. I'm sorry I got irritated yesterday! What did you do?
Guy 1: "Well, I walked for about a mile and came across a train track and followed it for about 2 miles. All of a sudden I saw a naked woman tied to the tracks! I couldn't believe it! I ran over to her and quickly untied her. As I tried to pick her up we started to have sex! Unbelievable! We had sex in all the positions you can imagine! It really was great sex!
Guy 2:Wow!! That's the sort of thing guys dream about! Did she suck you off as well?
Guy 1: Nah....I couldn't find her head.
Nice one. :D. Marshy that last one truly sucked. lol, and not surprisingly so did the one before it. Nice jokes mumpleaser. Love the pics Zygalski.
rebusrahman
23-05-2003, 17:12
Q. What's the difference between Stan Collymore and God?
A. God doesn't think he's Stan Collymore.
Gooner_Harmer
23-05-2003, 23:25
Originally posted by rebusrahman
Q. What's the difference between Stan Collymore and God?
A. God doesn't think he's Stan Collymore.
Replace that with Beckham.
Zygalski
23-05-2003, 23:34
how about with Wenger?
Gooner_Harmer
23-05-2003, 23:36
Originally posted by Zygalski
how about with Wenger?
What about Fergie? Or yourself! :D
Zygalski
25-05-2003, 03:52
OK, if you like.
But I don't think I have the best team in the premiership.
Gooner_Harmer
25-05-2003, 14:19
Originally posted by Zygalski
OK, if you like.
But I don't think I have the best team in the premiership.
Wenger does. So what? We blew the title ourselves Man U did not win it.
Zygalski
25-05-2003, 15:18
True but they are very poor at accepting defeat. Bad losers.
Anyway back to the jokes...
http://frutsel.terrainhost.com/frutselapp/dump/Zygalski/aol.bmp
http://frutsel.terrainhost.com/frutselapp/dump/Zygalski/Bush%20Book.jpg
http://frutsel.terrainhost.com/frutselapp/dump/Zygalski/god%20is%20broke.bmp
Gooner_Harmer
25-05-2003, 15:22
How do you attach an image? I am having problems attaching my own.
Zygalski
25-05-2003, 16:09
Attachments don't work for me either.
I am using the image links to where the pictures are stored.
http://www.frutsel.org/index.html
is what I use to store pics.
Register and dump stuff there, as the name suggests.
Lisbon67Seville03
29-05-2003, 15:50
ok, its the first game of world cup 2006 and its brazil vs. england.
ronaldinho says,"look, we can piss them off majorly. since this is the first game, we can afford to lose. i'll go out and play them by myself."
the players agree and they all go down to the pub for some beers and are gonna keep up with the game thanks to teletext.
they check after a few minutes and the scores look like this:
Brazil 1 0 england
ronaldinho 11'
they celbrate and forget about the game. after many, many drinks, they check the scores again.
Brazil 1 1 England
Ronaldinho 11' Owen 95'
all of a sudden ronaldinho comes in to the bar.
"o man, guys, im so sorry, i let you down a great amount and i sincerely apologise."
kaka replys, "its ok, you managed a 1 1 draw with england by yourself, thats fantastic.
but ronaldinho interupts, "no, i got sent off in the 12 minute.
Although that is takin the piss out of England, it is quite funny. But it aint very realistic though is it?! I mean, c'mon....England wouldn't equalise against a Brazil team with no players!
Zygalski
29-05-2003, 15:57
:D
Nifty1Pound50
29-05-2003, 19:59
Two dyslexics walk into a bra...
I'll get my own coat, take the coat stand with me, and ring up for a taxi. In fact, I'll drive the taxi myself and pay the fare to myself. I'm leaving...
Lisbon67Seville03
30-05-2003, 18:26
that jokr can be used for any team tho. i originally heard it takin the piss out of scotland. but im scottish, so i changed it to england. and no, they wouldnt equalise.
Zygalski
30-05-2003, 19:01
who? England or Scotland?
Lisbon67Seville03
01-06-2003, 14:11
prob. both. scotland would probably end up scoring an own goal, sadly. but its not our fault we're shite, its the neds and bams who just want to stab people rather than play football.
Mini-Poll:
Should the neds in glasgow be burned with flamethrowers until there are none left? Yes or no?
HINT::yes yes yes yes yes yes yes.
i dont know how many times ive been threatened to give them free games and how many times ive thrown guys out for trying to steal stuff.
rebusrahman
05-06-2003, 17:32
We blew the title ourselves Man U did not win it.
Gooner, that is the best joke I've read on this thread so far. rofl.
Zygalski
25-06-2003, 09:40
The Iraqi information minister is back!!!!
Expect more comedy phrases from the original joker!
L . F . C
01-07-2003, 20:38
How do u make a hormone ?
Dont pay her
Craiiig David
01-07-2003, 21:03
RETOUR CRAIIG DAVID are u fucking disabled??? What kind of fucking question is that, ask your mum or go to www.boselecta2.co.uk if u want the answer.
BO SELECTA!!!!!!!!!1111
Gooner_Harmer
01-07-2003, 21:18
Originally posted by Craiiig David
RETOUR CRAIIG DAVID are u fucking disabled??? What kind of fucking question is that, ask your mum or go to www.boselecta2.co.uk if u want the answer.
BO SELECTA!!!!!!!!!1111
LMFAO. Your so funny!!!!
Craiiig David
01-07-2003, 21:44
LMFAO????
Gooner_Harmer
01-07-2003, 21:47
Originally posted by Craiiig David
LMFAO????
Laugh My Fucking Ass Off
Craiiig David
01-07-2003, 21:52
:D :D
BO SELECTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111
Gooner_Harmer
01-07-2003, 21:55
Originally posted by Craiiig David
:D :D
BO SELECTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111
BO BO BO BO BO BO:
SELECTA!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111
Craiiig David
01-07-2003, 22:06
RETOUR!!!!!!!! check out a day in the life of CraIIIG David in the football forum in the thread who will be a suprise package? 2003/2004. What? yeah KEZ that Drew Barrymore is nice, NO U LITTLE MONKEY BITCH that's MICHEAL BARRYMORE!!!
BO SELECTA!!!!!!!!!1111111
Dirty_Sanchez
08-07-2003, 05:57
A huge body builder with big muscles and such.. walks into a bar....
he sez...... "Ouch"
rebusrahman
08-07-2003, 09:05
Dirty_Sanchez, that is soooooo bad!
elliottume
09-07-2003, 21:29
A little kid has a nightmare and goes to see his mother, who unfortenatly is, basically, having sex with her husband.
The little kid goes "Mummy, what are you doing?"
His mum thinks for a while, then says "Well, Timmy, your daddy's getting fat, so I'm pushing him back down."
Timmy then complains "What's the use? Penny next door only comes in when you're at work and blows him back up again!"
What do you think?
Chuck Morris
10-07-2003, 11:41
What is a Shitzu?
A zoo with no animals.
Crap joke, heard that in work the other day.
Chuck Morris
10-07-2003, 11:42
Originally posted by elliottume
A little kid has a nightmare and goes to see his mother, who unfortenatly is, basically, having sex with her husband.
The little kid goes "Mummy, what are you doing?"
His mum thinks for a while, then says "Well, Timmy, your daddy's getting fat, so I'm pushing him back down."
Timmy then complains "What's the use? Penny next door only comes in when you're at work and blows him back up again!"
What do you think?
I'm thinking.....Roy Chubby Brown.
Zygalski
10-07-2003, 12:11
Originally posted by bluescouse
What is a Shitzu?
A zoo with no animals.
Crap joke, heard that in work the other day.
See that thing in the paper about the zookeeper who ate the animals at the little zoo? Pigs, birds, and stuff. Weirdo.
soccer_ster_7
17-09-2004, 19:10
A guy went to his doctor for a checkup, his doctor told him he needs to take a sperm test. He says to fill up the jar before he comes back. The guy went home and tried it with his right hand, couldn't get it. He tried it with his left hand. Still couldn't get it. He has his wife try it and she tried with all her might, and still couldn't get it. Finally he calls his neighbor over and has her try, and she couldn't get it to go.
Finally he went back to the doctor and told him that he and his wife and his neighbor all tried but they couldn't get jar open.
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