BarnDoor
06-04-2008, 23:22
Yes, quite possibly the last of the Hollywood greats, Charlton Heston has died aged 84. You cannot begin to write an obituary for a man like this, so instead I will disclose an account of Charlton's shocking final few days, which I managed to prise from his cold dead hands, along with a rifle, a dildo, and a box of Smarties, which he used to lure kids to his sex den with.
(This is probably the most insane thing I've ever written by the way. Its not so much funny as fucking insane)
In recent years ill health has plagued Heston, with Alzheimer's confirmed, but cancer of varying forms, leprosy, dropsy and the black death all suspected. But these illnesses did not kill him. Having prised himself from his death bed, Charlton went to host his usual annual NRA meeting. However, the event was gate-crashed by a certain fat cunt named Michael Moore, along with an army of some 10,000 protesters. Charlton refused to give up his arms, spouting the usual "cold dead hands" wank and made ready for war.
Duly armed, Charlton took to his trusty Ben Hur chariot, bolstered by newly attached scythes, and steamed into the mob, slicing up mass numbers of the foul shafts and causing general carnage. Among them were cunts like Tim Robbins and Sean Penn, people no one gives two shits about and frankly were glad to see dead. Charlton then left the reins and went to his machine gun mounted on the back, and must have killed about 7000 of them before they finally had enough and fell back. The battle was won - but the day just beginning.
For out of the distant darkness bellowed horns and more enemies emerged - in the vanguard a large Moorish host, the mortal foe of El Cid, and behind them a whole bunch of damn dirty Apes, led by the minges like General Thade, Cornelius and Michael Clarke Duncan's shit character in the remake, as well as all the rancid cancers from the original films whose names I can't remember. The whole force, which must have numbered about a million, was led by Michael Moore, who had engineered this unholy alliance. Charlton dropped to his knees at the sight and screamed in anguish:
"You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!"
Moore wished to parley, and rode forth with his delegates. Among them was Dr. Zaius, a depraved sick cunt of the worst kind. Their offer was simple - swallow Moore's load or violent death by monkey orgy. Charlton, a proud man even in his imminent death, strongly refused. Zaius smirked and tried to force himself on Heston in a spontaneous act of sodomy. Heston struggled vehemently:
"Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!"
Charlton managed to reach for his knife and slash Zaius' throat, ensuring he died in utmost agony. His bloodlust was up, and the battle was met.
Charlton's golden chariot glittered in the morning sun as he rode through the ranks of the enemy, leaving thousands dead in his wake. His fellow NRA members poured out to aid their leader, and formed ranks, firing in disciplined order upon the hordes. Fortunately they had a few mortars and gun nests saved from 'Nam, and let loose on the pack of sodomites. They held out for a few hours, and killed many, but the numbers of the enemy were too great, and though many of the Moors had died, taking the brunt of the attack, the Apes now began to come into their own and surround Charlton and his men. Encircled, they put up a brave resistance before being fell upon and fucked to death in a mass orgy of blood, shit and bananas. Charlton, covered in blood and exhausted, managed to cut himself loose from the fray and retreated into the sanctity of the NRA hall with a handful of survivors. His trusty chariot however was destroyed when Heston crashed into a whole group of those rancid gashes from The Omega Man.
Inside they did their best to fortify the place, but the game was up. The Apes had catapults and were launching other monkeys into the place by the hundreds. They splattered on the walls but were gradually weakening the stronghold. Of course they were apes and as such were as thick as shit, so they had no actual idea of tactics. Eventually though they filled up the gap outside with monkey shit and would soon be able to cross the bridge. Charlton needed a miracle, and, donning his Moses gear, climbed to the top of the roof and looked to the heavens. He prayed for God's help and it came, as a huge flood was sent forth, wiping out half of the Apes and creating a river that flowed right up to the doors, making it hard for the enemy to get in. "You truly are the King of Kings!" uttered a grateful Charlton. And with that he threw his slab containing the Ten Commandments off the roof, killing about 50 apes. But the day was far from over.
The Apes were evolving at an alarming rate and had crafted a fleet, and once again soon hand the upper hand. Charlton's NRA colleagues had stood to a man but by now they were all dead and all the ammo was exhausted. Everything seemed doomed. But then the sound of horns, and the memorably shit title song from 'The Vikings' could be heard, and along the river came Kirk Douglas and Tony Curtis in a Longship to help their old friend. They destroyed the monkey fleet and managed to row the ship right up to the doors, and fought a rearguard action, managing to sneak inside and join their lover Charlton. But they were not the only ones who intervened. On horseback rode Paul Newman and Robert Redford, gunning down apes by the hundreds and carving a huge gap in the primate army. They rode straight over Cornelius and trampled his corpse. A furious Thade now intensified his attack, with Michael Moore overseeing things in his usual fat disgusting manner. Not even the golden boys of Hollywood could withstand the onslaught. George Bush dispatched a small Republican force to aid his most famous supporter but they were ambushed and cut to pieces. With no hope for Heston, he agreed to discuss terms with the enemy and give up the game for good.
Heston and his allies marched out nobly to meet the enemy diplomats. Thade and Moore were there, but they sent their chief ambassador to present terms. This sick cunt turned out to be none other than Al Hansen, aka 'Bad Actor Petrol Station Nonce' from Wayne's World II, who still hadn't forgiven Charlton for replacing him in that film. The terms were simple - be killed or die in agony. Kirk Douglas personally stepped forward and drove a battleaxe into the foul tampon's skull. They stepped forward before Moore, who demanded Heston show him the reverence he deserved and bow down before him. As the frail Heston was about to drop to his knee Kirk Douglas stopped him in defiance.
"My king bows to no man!"
He dropped to his knees before Moore, who was enraged by such insolence. Thade immediately cut the old cunt Douglas in half. His batty boy lover Tony Curtis screamed and rushed forward, and took out a good number before being surrounded and has his chest pounded in by Michael Clarke Duncan. Robert Redford put ten bullets in him, and a mass melee broke out. Moore took a sword and went for Heston, who ducked and rammed a dagger through the fat cunt's eye, before disembowling him with a sickle and cutting off his head. However, he didn't see General Thade behind him, who reached in and tore out Heston's spine. Paul Newman, driven on by despair, drove his fist through Thade's mouth and tore out his throat from within. He hauled Heston's broken body onto his horse and he and Redford rode back into the NRA Hall. They shored up the door but the Apes burst forward en masse and hounded the building.
The pair laid Heston out on the floor, weeping as he lay dying. Redford rummaged for any weapons they might use, while Newman cradled Heston in his arms as they reminisced about old times. Newman reminded his old friend of their childhood together on Gordon Street, where they passed the time mugging old ladies and kicking tramps to death. It drew some final, moving words from Charlton:
"Gordon Street? Ah, yes, Gordon Street. I once knew a girl who lived on Gordon Street. Long time ago, when I was a young man. Not a day passes I don't think of her and the promise that I made which I will always keep. That one perfect day on Gordon Street.....Arrrggggggghhhhhhhh hhhhhh"
And with that, Charlton, the greatest actor who ever lived, departed this earth. Newman hugged his friend tight, weeping uncontrollably. But Redford reminded him that they had a job to do. He had found amongst the NRA's secret stash an old A-Bomb. Meanwhile the Apes learned of Heston's passing and were buoyed tremendously, singing monkey chants and doing shit dances. They were also smearing monkey shit on the walls. Redford knew the Apes feared Heston, and so he strapped the A-Bomb to him and tied him to his horse. Newman and Redford knew the sacrifice they were making and enjoyed violent anal one last time before killing themselves - Redford blew his own head off while Newman ate 1000 hard boiled eggs and died of yolk cancer on the spot. The Apes finally broke through the door but with his last breath Newman slapped the horse and it rode out the door past the Apes. The Apes were stunned by the sight of Heston, a man who had seemingly risen from the dead to fight the dirty primates once more. Leaderless and scared, they turned tail and fled. Heston's horse bolted and rode through the army, until it eventually hit a tree and caused the bomb to go off, killing everything within a 20-mile radius. A sad day if anyone gave a shit.
So Heston and several Hollywood greats are dead, but their sacrifice has also seen Michael Moore and millions of anti-gun protesters, Moors and Apes perish. Rest assured they are all roasting in hell as we speak. Heston's cold dead hands are now being put to good use by wanking off the Devil constantly.
(This is probably the most insane thing I've ever written by the way. Its not so much funny as fucking insane)
In recent years ill health has plagued Heston, with Alzheimer's confirmed, but cancer of varying forms, leprosy, dropsy and the black death all suspected. But these illnesses did not kill him. Having prised himself from his death bed, Charlton went to host his usual annual NRA meeting. However, the event was gate-crashed by a certain fat cunt named Michael Moore, along with an army of some 10,000 protesters. Charlton refused to give up his arms, spouting the usual "cold dead hands" wank and made ready for war.
Duly armed, Charlton took to his trusty Ben Hur chariot, bolstered by newly attached scythes, and steamed into the mob, slicing up mass numbers of the foul shafts and causing general carnage. Among them were cunts like Tim Robbins and Sean Penn, people no one gives two shits about and frankly were glad to see dead. Charlton then left the reins and went to his machine gun mounted on the back, and must have killed about 7000 of them before they finally had enough and fell back. The battle was won - but the day just beginning.
For out of the distant darkness bellowed horns and more enemies emerged - in the vanguard a large Moorish host, the mortal foe of El Cid, and behind them a whole bunch of damn dirty Apes, led by the minges like General Thade, Cornelius and Michael Clarke Duncan's shit character in the remake, as well as all the rancid cancers from the original films whose names I can't remember. The whole force, which must have numbered about a million, was led by Michael Moore, who had engineered this unholy alliance. Charlton dropped to his knees at the sight and screamed in anguish:
"You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!"
Moore wished to parley, and rode forth with his delegates. Among them was Dr. Zaius, a depraved sick cunt of the worst kind. Their offer was simple - swallow Moore's load or violent death by monkey orgy. Charlton, a proud man even in his imminent death, strongly refused. Zaius smirked and tried to force himself on Heston in a spontaneous act of sodomy. Heston struggled vehemently:
"Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!"
Charlton managed to reach for his knife and slash Zaius' throat, ensuring he died in utmost agony. His bloodlust was up, and the battle was met.
Charlton's golden chariot glittered in the morning sun as he rode through the ranks of the enemy, leaving thousands dead in his wake. His fellow NRA members poured out to aid their leader, and formed ranks, firing in disciplined order upon the hordes. Fortunately they had a few mortars and gun nests saved from 'Nam, and let loose on the pack of sodomites. They held out for a few hours, and killed many, but the numbers of the enemy were too great, and though many of the Moors had died, taking the brunt of the attack, the Apes now began to come into their own and surround Charlton and his men. Encircled, they put up a brave resistance before being fell upon and fucked to death in a mass orgy of blood, shit and bananas. Charlton, covered in blood and exhausted, managed to cut himself loose from the fray and retreated into the sanctity of the NRA hall with a handful of survivors. His trusty chariot however was destroyed when Heston crashed into a whole group of those rancid gashes from The Omega Man.
Inside they did their best to fortify the place, but the game was up. The Apes had catapults and were launching other monkeys into the place by the hundreds. They splattered on the walls but were gradually weakening the stronghold. Of course they were apes and as such were as thick as shit, so they had no actual idea of tactics. Eventually though they filled up the gap outside with monkey shit and would soon be able to cross the bridge. Charlton needed a miracle, and, donning his Moses gear, climbed to the top of the roof and looked to the heavens. He prayed for God's help and it came, as a huge flood was sent forth, wiping out half of the Apes and creating a river that flowed right up to the doors, making it hard for the enemy to get in. "You truly are the King of Kings!" uttered a grateful Charlton. And with that he threw his slab containing the Ten Commandments off the roof, killing about 50 apes. But the day was far from over.
The Apes were evolving at an alarming rate and had crafted a fleet, and once again soon hand the upper hand. Charlton's NRA colleagues had stood to a man but by now they were all dead and all the ammo was exhausted. Everything seemed doomed. But then the sound of horns, and the memorably shit title song from 'The Vikings' could be heard, and along the river came Kirk Douglas and Tony Curtis in a Longship to help their old friend. They destroyed the monkey fleet and managed to row the ship right up to the doors, and fought a rearguard action, managing to sneak inside and join their lover Charlton. But they were not the only ones who intervened. On horseback rode Paul Newman and Robert Redford, gunning down apes by the hundreds and carving a huge gap in the primate army. They rode straight over Cornelius and trampled his corpse. A furious Thade now intensified his attack, with Michael Moore overseeing things in his usual fat disgusting manner. Not even the golden boys of Hollywood could withstand the onslaught. George Bush dispatched a small Republican force to aid his most famous supporter but they were ambushed and cut to pieces. With no hope for Heston, he agreed to discuss terms with the enemy and give up the game for good.
Heston and his allies marched out nobly to meet the enemy diplomats. Thade and Moore were there, but they sent their chief ambassador to present terms. This sick cunt turned out to be none other than Al Hansen, aka 'Bad Actor Petrol Station Nonce' from Wayne's World II, who still hadn't forgiven Charlton for replacing him in that film. The terms were simple - be killed or die in agony. Kirk Douglas personally stepped forward and drove a battleaxe into the foul tampon's skull. They stepped forward before Moore, who demanded Heston show him the reverence he deserved and bow down before him. As the frail Heston was about to drop to his knee Kirk Douglas stopped him in defiance.
"My king bows to no man!"
He dropped to his knees before Moore, who was enraged by such insolence. Thade immediately cut the old cunt Douglas in half. His batty boy lover Tony Curtis screamed and rushed forward, and took out a good number before being surrounded and has his chest pounded in by Michael Clarke Duncan. Robert Redford put ten bullets in him, and a mass melee broke out. Moore took a sword and went for Heston, who ducked and rammed a dagger through the fat cunt's eye, before disembowling him with a sickle and cutting off his head. However, he didn't see General Thade behind him, who reached in and tore out Heston's spine. Paul Newman, driven on by despair, drove his fist through Thade's mouth and tore out his throat from within. He hauled Heston's broken body onto his horse and he and Redford rode back into the NRA Hall. They shored up the door but the Apes burst forward en masse and hounded the building.
The pair laid Heston out on the floor, weeping as he lay dying. Redford rummaged for any weapons they might use, while Newman cradled Heston in his arms as they reminisced about old times. Newman reminded his old friend of their childhood together on Gordon Street, where they passed the time mugging old ladies and kicking tramps to death. It drew some final, moving words from Charlton:
"Gordon Street? Ah, yes, Gordon Street. I once knew a girl who lived on Gordon Street. Long time ago, when I was a young man. Not a day passes I don't think of her and the promise that I made which I will always keep. That one perfect day on Gordon Street.....Arrrggggggghhhhhhhh hhhhhh"
And with that, Charlton, the greatest actor who ever lived, departed this earth. Newman hugged his friend tight, weeping uncontrollably. But Redford reminded him that they had a job to do. He had found amongst the NRA's secret stash an old A-Bomb. Meanwhile the Apes learned of Heston's passing and were buoyed tremendously, singing monkey chants and doing shit dances. They were also smearing monkey shit on the walls. Redford knew the Apes feared Heston, and so he strapped the A-Bomb to him and tied him to his horse. Newman and Redford knew the sacrifice they were making and enjoyed violent anal one last time before killing themselves - Redford blew his own head off while Newman ate 1000 hard boiled eggs and died of yolk cancer on the spot. The Apes finally broke through the door but with his last breath Newman slapped the horse and it rode out the door past the Apes. The Apes were stunned by the sight of Heston, a man who had seemingly risen from the dead to fight the dirty primates once more. Leaderless and scared, they turned tail and fled. Heston's horse bolted and rode through the army, until it eventually hit a tree and caused the bomb to go off, killing everything within a 20-mile radius. A sad day if anyone gave a shit.
So Heston and several Hollywood greats are dead, but their sacrifice has also seen Michael Moore and millions of anti-gun protesters, Moors and Apes perish. Rest assured they are all roasting in hell as we speak. Heston's cold dead hands are now being put to good use by wanking off the Devil constantly.