View Full Version : Jokes
o0oGedo0o
20-08-2004, 15:46
one gay to the other: i will ask you a question if you answer it you will do me if you didn't answer it i will do you
2nd gay: ok
1st gay: what's the fruit that is green from the outside, red from the inside and has black seeds in it ???
2nd gay: FISH
1st gay: CORRECT :D:D
another one: first gay to the other: we'll play hide and seek if you find me you'll do me if you didn't find me i will be hiding behind the curtains
tom pain
20-08-2004, 16:04
Why do elephants have big ears?
Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.
Travis Bickle
20-08-2004, 18:06
Why did Hitler kill himself ?
Because he got his gas bill.
Quite harsh but well done.
Q: What do cheap petrol and spastics have in common?
A: They keep mini-bus firms in business.
Q: What do you call two irish gays?
A: William FitzPatrick amd Patrick FitzWilliam.
Q: What is the difference between a council estate and a prison.
A: People will visit you if you live in prison.
A man is sitting in the Kuip watching a game of his favourite team. The man brought his dog with him. After the match the dogs start barking and the man next him askes the man what his problem is. "my dog always starts barking when Feynoord loses the match" he answers. Oh says the other man, that's funny.. What does he do when they win. "I don't know" is the answer, "I just got him for 2 years" ...
Mc Clean
24-08-2004, 19:26
LOL :D
Two irishmen walks into a shop, you would of thought one of them would have seen it!!
wat do u have against irish m8? we would hammer england anyway! :cool:
Travis Bickle
24-08-2004, 19:36
Two Irishmen walking down a country lane, one says to the other " can you see that wood over there?" the other replies "no, I can't 'cause those trees are in the way."
How do you sink an irish submarine?
Knock on the door.
Ketsbaia
24-08-2004, 21:46
Q - Whats the best thing about shagging twenty-eight year olds?
A - There's 20 of them
Little girl walks into the bathroom while her dads having a shower. She says "Daddy, when do I get one of them?". The father replies "When your mother goes to the bingo"
Q - How does a Boro fan know when his sisters on her period?
A - His dads cock tastes different
Rather good if a little obscene. That name of yours is interesting. (disaproving smurk)
Myra Hindley is walking a little girl onto the moors when the girl turns to her and says "It's getting dark, I'm scared". Hindley replies "How do you think I feel? I have to walk home on my own."
Rather good if a little obscene. That name of yours is interesting. (disaproving smurk)
Myra Hindley is walking a little girl onto the moors when the girl turns to her and says "It's getting dark, I'm scared". Hindley replies "How do you think I feel? I have to walk home on my own."uncalled for that one like m8
Ronaldo 9
24-08-2004, 22:59
hahaha... I just wanted to say that..
I have no joke , But I wanna tell you that your jokes is so funny guys...
and I invite you to register in this forum: www.urule.net/vb
it's new right , but you're gonna like it , believe me..
I'm Shaft
My jokes aren't that bad, someone made some holocaust ones before.
How do you live in hartlepool and newcastle at the same time?
Ketsbaia
24-08-2004, 23:45
If you are offended by jokes (and that's what they are JOKES) then you need to get out more. I don't care much for the PC brigade. Nowadays there's a demonstration if you breath at the wrong time.
My jokes aren't that bad, someone made some holocaust ones before.
How do you live in hartlepool and newcastle at the same time?because im bak home at Hartlepool at da mo for the summer and go back to newcastle for Uni in sept ;)
What do you call a slapper with her knickers on....
Unemployed
If you are offended by jokes (and that's what they are JOKES) then you need to get out more. I don't care much for the PC brigade. Nowadays there's a demonstration if you breath at the wrong time.im not on about being politically correct, just when uve attended a funeral today and u hear ppl makin jokes about innocent ppl gettin killed it kinda doesnt seem funny u know
I'm going to uni in newcastle in september, well northumbria but it aint that bad. What do you study? Do you go to propper newcastle uni?
I must agree with the gentleman with the obscene name about political correctness.
Q: What is the technical term for rapeing a prostitute?
A: Theft
I'm going to uni in newcastle in september, well northumbria but it aint that bad. What do you study? Do you go to propper newcastle uni?
I must agree with the gentleman with the obscene name about political correctness.northumbria my friend :D , Business Management.... its in top 4 for Business in the country i do believe ;)
I'm doing engineering with business. You don't sound like a first year. A mate of mine does some sort of business at northumbria, ever heard of greame atkinson?
We call the place the big 6th form due to the number of people from Wolsingam school who go there.
I'm doing engineering with business. You don't sound like a first year. A mate of mine does some sort of business at northumbria, ever heard of greame atkinson?
We call the place the big 6th form due to the number of people from Wolsingam school who go there.how come i dont sound like a first year?? lol
You already class youself as living there. Are you a first year?
Just to let you know this is a jokes thread
Uni Thread...
http://forum.pesinsight.com/showthread.php?t=13829
You already class youself as living there. Are you a first year?im just about to go into second year
Cant wait to go. Went through clearing after having no intention of going to uni so have loads to sort out.
hitmanuk2k
25-08-2004, 00:56
oi what the fuck do you think u 2 are doing... and pig ur an admin u should know better. stop bloody chatting and enjoy ur warnings!
quality... now can we have warnings for all the ppl who change every topic into man utd v arsenal too??
tom pain
25-08-2004, 01:32
Let's get back on topic.
A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a drink, but the barkeep said, "Sorry, but we dont serve mushrooms." The mushroom replies, "Why, I'm a fun guy"
A pie walks into a bar at about 2pm and askes for a pint, the barman say 'sorry we stop serving food at two'.
Q: What do you call a three legged race horse?
A: Fucked
A businessman goes on a business trip to Japan. When he arrives at his hotel, he calls up for a prostitute and has lots of crazy action with her, and during the act she keeps shouting: "Hamatati Yokiru! Hamatai Yokiru!" which the guy finds really sexy.
The next day he goes with his Japanese colleague to play some golf. When he misses, his colleague says: "Hamatati Yokiru, my friend". So the businessman asks him "What does that mean?" and the Japanese guy replies: "You missed the right hole".
whats the queen mother and princess dianna got in common.
they both died at 102
whats worse than letting micheal jackson childmine your kids
letting ian huntley bath them
Travis Bickle
25-08-2004, 15:39
The McCartney kids are at the family home anxiously awaiting news of their mother. Paul emerges from his wife's bedroom "Kid's.... there's good news and bad news."
"The bad news is your mother's strength and will to live has been sucked away by her awful disease and she died a few moments ago"
"The good news is.... It's steak and chips for dinner!"
Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.
The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"
The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."
A woman goes into a pet shop and buys a parrot. The guy behind the counter says you can have this one half price because it used to live in a brothel and uses rather bad language. She takes it home and gets on with her housework. He youngest daughter arrives home from school and the parrot shouted "slut slag whore". Her oldest daugher arrives home from college a little while later and the parrot shouts "slut slag whore". Just as the woman is putting dinner on the table her husband walks in, the parrot say "alrite Dave, back again".
Flipper the Priest
25-08-2004, 19:29
The McCartney kids are at the family home anxiously awaiting news of their mother. Paul emerges from his wife's bedroom "Kid's.... there's good news and bad news."
"The bad news is your mother's strength and will to live has been sucked away by her awful disease and she died a few moments ago"
"The good news is.... It's steak and chips for dinner!"
Beautiful.
Nifty1Pound50
26-08-2004, 10:46
What's the difference between Princess Diana and Mother Theresa?
About a week.
Q: Why do they have so much trouble with the phone systems in China?
A: Because there are so many Wings and so many Wongs that someone's always Winging the Wong number.
This couple had problems getting pregnant. After a lot of hard work, the woman finally gets knocked up. When she's during labor, contracting her muscles, the doctor calls "PUSH, PUSH!!" and she pushes...the baby flies accross the room, hits the wall and dies. Everybody's really sad and all, and the couple tries again. Finally they succeed. This time, a team of 3 doctors stand near the opposite wall, and when the woman gives her final push the baby flies again, at very high speed, the doctors miss him, he hits the wall and dies. Everybody's really sad again, and the couple tries again. This time, they call up David James to stand near the wall. James shows up with his gear and gloves, ready for the baby....when the woman gives her final push, james flies in the air, collects the baby before he hits the wall, and saves him. Everybody claps their hands in joy, and then James kicks the baby across the hospital room.........
I'll be gettin my coat as well
^^^^^^^^^^^probably sounds better in Hebrew, probably because in Israel we have very VERY stupid goalkeepers, and because this joke needs to be told with massive hand gestures....
Original?
28-08-2004, 13:10
^^^^^^^^^^^probably sounds better in Hebrew, probably because in Israel we have very VERY stupid goalkeepers, and because this joke needs to be told with massive hand gestures....
lol, it'd be funny but the catching part is to unbelievable :p
Yeah, I thought I'd try someone who actually has good saves but is generally an idiot- maybe Lehman.
7RONALDO7
28-08-2004, 17:06
This is a little kids joke!!
An Alien, who lives on Mars wants to book a Hotel on the Moon, so he goes to the Reciptionist and ask's her if he can book a room in the Moon's Hotel and She replys, No, Sorry The Moon Is Full!!
randyman
30-08-2004, 14:52
How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard ya throw 'em
How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard ya throw 'em
cough*cough* :rolleyes:
How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard ya throw 'em
^^^Would tickle Michael Jackson anyday :rolleyes: .
A businessman goes on a business trip to Japan. When he arrives at his hotel, he calls up for a prostitute and has lots of crazy action with her, and during the act she keeps shouting: "Hamatati Yokiru! Hamatai Yokiru!" which the guy finds really sexy.
The next day he goes with his Japanese colleague to play some golf. When he misses, his colleague says: "Hamatati Yokiru, my friend". So the businessman asks him "What does that mean?" and the Japanese guy replies: "You missed the right hole".
Top class, that is :D .
Thierry14
30-08-2004, 16:42
The telephone rings in the principal's office at a school.
"Hello, this is Dunn Elementary," answers the principal.
"Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week," replies the voice.
"Well, what seems to be the problem with him?"
"We are all going on a family vacation," says the voice, "I hope it is all right."
"I guess that would be fine," says the principal. "May I ask who is calling?"
"Sure. This is my father!"
------------------------------
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
------------------------------
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
--------------------------------------
"I'm 'ere all week"...
This is a little kids joke!!
An Alien, who lives on Mars wants to book a Hotel on the Moon, so he goes to the Reciptionist and ask's her if he can book a room in the Moon's Hotel and She replys, No, Sorry The Moon Is Full!!
Why does it really not surprise me that you posted that
Original?
30-08-2004, 16:48
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
LOL, excellent!! :D
A couple has 3 kids which are really noisy and ranty, and never have chance to have sex. The husband says: "let's make it like wer'e fighting, we'll go to the bedroom and do it!". So they all sit down for dinner, and the father is serving the salad which he kindly made for everybody. Suddenly the mother says: "This salad tastes like shit! I don't want to eat it! It's crap and you're a crap husband!" and she leaves for the bedroom. The dad looks at the kids and says: "I'll go check what's her problem. Sit down and eat". After 5-6 minutes when the parents are still in the bedroom, the eldest son asks the little brother to go and check up on mom and dad. The little guy returns after a few seconds and starts eating up his salad really quickly. "What happened?" his brothers ask him. "If you don't finish your salad dad is going to fuck you silly".
A family with 3 teenage girls is having an argument regarding who's gonna wash the dishes after dinner. After 30 minutes of shouting the mom says: "We'll all go into silence, and whoever speaks first will do the washing up". They all agree.
In the meantime, 2 guys get stuck with their car as they ran out of motor oil. They walk around the neighbourhood and knock on the family's door. No reply, so they open the door. They start walking around, saying hello and stuff, and still no reply. So they start feeling up one of the girls' bosom, and still no comment. They fuck her, and after that they fuck the other two girls. after they are finished with them, they fuck the mother as well. After about 2 hours of total wild fucking, they suddenly remember the reason for getting into the house, and ask "say, do you have some lubricent, by any chance?" and the dad says: "Oh fuck it, I'll do the fucking washing up".
A guy burned two ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.
He said, ''I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang...so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear...''
''But how the heck did you burn the other ear?'' The doctor asked.
''How do you think I called you people?''
o0oGedo0o
05-09-2004, 22:09
a guy was standing in a traffic jam, someone knocked on the window and told him they got president Bush and if we didn't pay 5 million dollars they will burn him alive, so we're raising funds, the guy asked what's the average that people give away? the other told him from 5 to 10 oil litres
Kevthedrummer
05-09-2004, 23:41
How do you get a goth out of a tree?
Cut the rope
randyman
07-09-2004, 16:29
what do you call two lesbians in a closet?
a liquor cabinet
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
whats the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bath?
One's got hope in her soul
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Why did the leapreachaun wear two condom?
To be sure, to be sure
=-=----------------------
How do you make your girlfriend screma after an orgasm?
--------------------------
whats the worst thing about being a test tube baby?
you know your dad's a wanker
wipe your dick on the curtains
randyman
07-09-2004, 16:30
shit got the last two fucked up!
How do you make your girlfriend screma after an orgasm?
wipe your dick on the curtains
------------------------------------
whats the worst thing about being a test tube baby?
you know your dad's a wanker
ChelseaDave
07-09-2004, 18:29
whats the difference between Clint Eastwood and anal sex?
One will make your day, the other will make your whole week...
:rolleyes:
o0oGedo0o
08-09-2004, 17:10
Jack, who is a smart businessman, talks to his son.
Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I will choose my own bride!"
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case..."
>> >Next Jack approaches Bill Gates.
Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case..."
>> >Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I
need!"
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case..."
>> >This is how business is done!!
What do demented Cows say?
MOOOOOOOOWWWAAAHHHHHHH
soccer_ster_7
13-09-2004, 18:39
Q: Why does Snoop Dogg (rapper) carry an umbrella?
A: Fa Drizzle
soccer_ster_7
14-09-2004, 18:47
I got another one...hehe
Q: What did 50-cent say when he received a sweater from his grandmother?
A: G-unit (Gee...you knit?)
Henry_IS_God
15-09-2004, 09:46
Why did the girl fall off the swing???
..............
She had no arms :D
a_persohn
17-09-2004, 18:45
a guy walks into a bar and orders six shots of whiskey
he downs them all as fast as he could
the bartender asks,"is this a special occasion? you downed those pretty fast."
"yeah, my first blowjob."
"oh well, here's one more, it's on the house."
"no thanks, i think one more won't get the taste out of my mouth since six didn't."
haha
sorry if this offends anyone, not supposed to.
o0oGedo0o
18-09-2004, 13:32
one guy was walking in the street, saw another one who was in a hurry, he approached him and asked him:
1st- Would you please take my jacket off?
2nd- What the hell are you talking about?
1st- just hurry there is no time
2nd- okay just hurry up i am in a hurry
1st- now would you lose my tie?
2nd- i told you i am in a hurry
1st- just do it quickly there is no time
2nd- okay can i go now?
1st- please unbutton my shirt
2nd- we're in the middle of the street !! have you no shame
1st- just do it please, you have to do it
2nd- it's a really bad day, let's see when it's going to end ...
1st- now take a pen and make some horizontal and vertical lines on my back
2nd- YOU'RE DOING ALL THIS TO PLAY CHECKERS ON YOUR ASS?
1st- please do it we're almost there
2nd- here we go then
1st- now number the squares from 1 to 40 please
2nd- done
1st- please scratch square number 33
:D:D:D
It was my girlfriends birthday the other day, so i bought her a handbag and a dildo,
if she don't like the handbag she can go fuck herself,
P.S i'm sorry if this offends anyone
spikeymaracca
25-09-2004, 20:42
Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a shit."
The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and shit."
The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"
The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"
He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes.
His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"
The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"
spikeymaracca
25-09-2004, 20:43
Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?
spikeymaracca
25-09-2004, 20:44
Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework.
spikeymaracca
25-09-2004, 20:44
What is green and smells?
Hulk's fart.
spikeymaracca
25-09-2004, 20:45
Yo mamma so ugly when she was born, your mother said, "What a treasure!" and your father said, "Yea lets go bury it".
spikeymaracca
25-09-2004, 20:46
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
spikeymaracca
25-09-2004, 20:47
Your mum's so hairy when you first came you nearly died of carpet burn
spikeymaracca
25-09-2004, 20:48
Which condom would you use....
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...
General Electric: We bring good things to life!
AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.'
Bounty: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?
Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!'
Chevron: use them? people do.
Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border
MCI: for friends and family
Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter
Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are
United Airlines travel pack: Fly United
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before
Wendy Condoms: Where's the beef?
Denny's Condoms: $1.99 Grand Slam
Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right!
Maxwell House: Good to the last drop!
McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served
Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities
Burger King: Have it your way
Dairy Queen: We treat you right
AOL: So easy to use, no wonder it's #1
a bold man went where no bold mans bean before..... the barbers.
-------------------------------------
whats a compleat waste of time?
telling a bold man hair raseing storys
Travis Bickle
06-10-2004, 16:37
how many Freudians does it take to change a light-bulb ?
Two, one to change the bulb and the other to hold the penis.... I mean ladder.
how many Freudians does it take to change a light-bulb ?
Two, one to change the bulb and the other to hold the penis.... I mean ladder.
:)
Young kid in Liverpool goes to her mother...
"Mummy, why are your hands so soft and smooth?"
"Because I'm only 12"
nath_scfc
06-10-2004, 18:18
How many Crewe fans does it take to change a Lightbulb?
3. One to change the bulb, one to bring the sandwiches and one to write down the light bulb code in his light bulb code book.
Coat is on.
1- An grandmother slipped from the stairs
She said : did you saw the Double Kick :p
2- Iranian caught his son watching a porn movie
Do you want to know how did hi caught his son
He saw a tape between the sports tapes called
Iran 4-1 Brazil
gerrard2k4
05-11-2004, 23:17
a man walks into a bar and squeals ouch
yes its shite but oh well
already got my coat on!
Martinho_88
06-11-2004, 21:50
:)
Young kid in Liverpool goes to her mother...
"Mummy, why are your hands so soft and smooth?"
"Because I'm only 12"
Stop being stereotypical, southerners are just as bad
nath_scfc
06-11-2004, 21:54
Stop being stereotypical, southerners are just as bad
Maybe, but its still funny. :)
gerrard2k4
06-11-2004, 22:54
On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid said, "Yeah."
The cop said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
gerrard2k4
06-11-2004, 22:58
101 Ways To Annoy People
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
some are quite funny LOL
gerrard2k4
06-11-2004, 23:01
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
off topic: mate keep in one post!
topic, there three types of rings in maragie, the engament ring, the wedding ring and the suffer-ring
2 guys in a bar one say: A" i know why woman get the wrong ideas at weddings"
B "why"
A "ok, what dose se walk you to the alter on?"
B "an ille"
A "yes, ok now what do you kneal in frount of?
B "alter"
A "yes now the last thing, what do u sing?"
B "hymes"
A "correct now say all three"
B ile alter him lol
(psss. say it out load and if you still dont get it ..... I alter him)
nath_scfc
14-11-2004, 18:00
They do advent calenders for cities now. I got the Liverpool one but all the windows were boarded up. :)
What do Mackems do when they win the Champions League?
Turn the PS2 off and go to bed.
Where was the Pink Panther from?
Durham, Durham, Durham, Durham, Durham, Durham, Durham...
:)
Mohanned
17-11-2004, 18:18
Sorry but none of them are funny
I defy you to come up with a better Pink Panther joke.
Mohanned
17-11-2004, 18:23
I know none on the pink panther mate
What about this one...
Where was the Pink Panther from?
Durham, Durham, Durham, Durham, Durham, Durham, Durham...
Mohanned
17-11-2004, 18:28
Its the same thing mate.
Ah forget it. Your a genius mate
SmAaTtAtN
17-11-2004, 19:43
i think that the 101 things to annoy ppl joke was awesome lol
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone.
It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone!
It's a miracle.
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God.
"What's wrong?" says Jesus.
The Scouser shouts, "Fuck off, I'm on disability benefit!"
camian97
01-12-2004, 20:48
They do advent calenders for cities now. I got the Liverpool one but all the windows were boarded up. :)
lol good one :)
a wooden car , has a wooden door ,a wooden engine , wooden wheels , wooden roof . guess wat ? it wooden go .
crap but hey :D
Prepare yourself for the funniest joke ever....
What did the farmer say when he couldnt find his tractor?
Where's my tractor!
Like, OMG!!!!
Prepare the tumbleweed and wind sound effect.
A budgie was recently sacked from a pet shop. He was caught with his hand in the trill.
You gotta love Vic Reeves.
nath_scfc
03-12-2004, 17:47
Prepare yourself for the funniest joke ever....
What did the farmer say when he couldnt find his tractor?
Where's my tractor!
Like, OMG!!!!
I thought it was...
What did the farmer say when he couldnt find fork or his tractor?
Where's my fork 'n' tractor!{said in a farmer/west country accent}
A guy dies and goes to purgatory. He meets archangel Gabriel who tells him that since he was a decent guy most of his life but did a few crappy things he gets to choose whether he would like to spend eternity in Heaven or in Hell.
The guy asks for a tour, and Gabi says yes. First they go to heaven. The guy sees this beautiful beach, with great looking women, soft waves, white sands, green palm trees, coctails on the beach, amazing food served - the works.
Then they go to hell.
They are in this MASSIVE trance party, with scores of people dancing crazily, sex oozing atmosphere, ecstasy (the pills), drugs, a very big mess.
The guy thinks for a few minutes and goes for hell. On his way, he asks the Angel how come there are no parties in heaven, and Gabi replies: "Listen, mate, I'm really sorry but I couldn't find any DJ willing to play in front of 30 people".
o0oGedo0o
19-12-2004, 21:02
Three American and three Egyptian engineers are traveling by train
>>>>to a conference. At the station, the three American each buy
>>>>tickets and watch as the three Egyptians buy only a single
>>>>ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one
>>>>ticket?" asked one of the three American. "Watch and you will
>>>>see", answers one of the Egyptians. They all board the train. The
>>>>Americans take their respective seats, but all three Egyptians
>>>>cram into the toilet and close the door behind them.
>>>>
>>>>Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
>>>>collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says,
>>>>"Ticket, please".
>>>>
>>>>The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
>>>>ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The American
>>>>saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
>>>>
>>>>So after the conference, the American decide to copy the
>>>>Egyptians on the return trip and save some money.
>>>>
>>>>When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the
>>>>return trip. To their astonishment, the Egyptians don't buy a
>>>>ticket at all.
>>>>
>>>>"How are you going to travel without a ticket?", asks one
>>>>perplexed American.
>>>>
>>>>"Watch and you will see", says one of the Egyptians.
>>>>
>>>>When they board the train, the three American cram into a toilet
>>>>and the three Egyptians cram into another one nearby.
>>>>
>>>>The train departs.Shortly afterward, one of the Egyptians leaves
>>>>his toilet and walks over to the toilet where the American are
>>>>hiding.
>>>>
>>>>He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
Thierry14
20-12-2004, 16:06
I decided that I needed a few days off and realized that I ran out of vacation time already. I figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home was to act a little crazy. I figured he'd think I was burning out and give me some time off.
I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of my coworkers, a lovely BLONDE lady, came in and asked me what I'm doing.
"Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a light bulb."
A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing. "I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.
You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off." With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My coworker started following me and the Boss asked where she was going.
"I can't work in the dark," she said
o0oGedo0o
03-01-2005, 23:25
a nomad was walking alone in the desert, only accompanied by his camel, and feeling really horny, so he stopped by and tried to rape his camel when a beautiful lost woman came by asking for water and help, so he helped her, the woman was so happy so she said: how can i ever repay you?? so he replied: can you hold that camel for for me?
another one:
two people found a genie lamp, rubbed it and the genie came up asking them for their wishes, one asked for a million dollars, so the genie looked to the other and said and you what do you want? the guy said: don't get him the million dollars (talking about taking the piss:D)
In what way is a chav like a slinky?
The both have no practical use but are fun to see fall down the stairs.
Itachi-san
22-02-2005, 01:47
heres a little adult/sexual joke:
a little boy teased a little girl of not having a penis and laughs.
later the little girl teased the boy and showed her vagina and said "my mommy says that when i grow up, i can have as many of those as i want with my"
PES4KING05
23-02-2005, 02:40
heres a little adult/sexual joke:
a little boy teased a little girl of not having a penis and laughs.
later the little girl teased the boy and showed her vagina and said "my mommy says that when i grow up, i can have as many of those as i want with my"
Finish the joke
Mohanned
23-02-2005, 10:45
heres a little adult/sexual joke:
a little boy teased a little girl of not having a penis and laughs.
later the little girl teased the boy and showed her vagina and said "my mommy says that when i grow up, i can have as many of those as i want with my"
Finish it come on :o
PES4KING05
23-02-2005, 16:01
Why doesn't Mohanned jsut get banned for eternity.
Joke:
What do you call the biggest joke of a football club?
Liverpool FC
Aaronarid
23-02-2005, 16:19
why did the boy throw the butter out the window? he wanted to see a butterfly...
Original?
23-02-2005, 17:43
why did the boy throw the butter out the window? he wanted to see a butterfly...
Jokes that bad make me cringe :p
Cannon ball
23-02-2005, 17:47
Q:What does a 20 pound note and Arsenal football club have in common?
A:They're both good in England but useless in europe.
ChelseaDave
23-02-2005, 17:55
Rooneys like a panda when in the brothel
He eats chutes & leaves...
tom pain
23-02-2005, 17:59
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
A bear walks into a bar.
Barman - "What'll ya have?"
Bear - "I'll have a pint of .............................. .............................. .............................. ........................... bitter."
Barman - "Why the long pause?"
What do you call a black man in a suit?
Guilty.
Why do more black people get knocked over when it's snowing?
It's easier to see them.
Good day.
PES4KING05
26-02-2005, 13:08
A bear walks into a bar.
Barman - "What'll ya have?"
Bear - "I'll have a pint of .............................. .............................. .............................. ........................... bitter."
Barman - "Why the long pause?"
It's big pause actually.
Did Marshy get banned for them jokes, if so, they are jokes so he is having a joke which means he is not being serious, which means you ban people for the littlest things
Cannon ball
26-02-2005, 13:14
Racist asshole, enjoy your ban. Hopes it a lifetime one.
Kick racism out of this website.
It was more the fact that was banned for a racist prick 2 days ago, comes back and immediately starts with the racist jokes again.
tom pain
26-02-2005, 16:39
Racist asshole
Would that apply to me and my Irish joke?
gerrard2k4
28-02-2005, 21:55
This is a penguin joke through and through!
What did the frog do when he broke down?
Got Toad away
!
SHIT
unoriginal
01-03-2005, 16:04
yo mamma is so stupid she has a glass door with a peep hole in it
Yo mamma's so poor she only has 2 channels on her t.v.
On and Off
Oh yeh here is a funny website http://stupidvideos.com/Default.asp watch the evil penguin ones their funny as anything
Rooneys like a panda when in the brothel
He eats chutes & leaves...
LOL :D
Wayne Rooney is a granny banger :D
Bravoboy
01-03-2005, 16:14
yo mamma is so stupid she has a glass door with a peep hole in it
How do you know the glass isn't opaic? ;)
nath_scfc
10-03-2005, 19:25
Jesus is on his way to the last supper. On his entrance he finds all his disciples tucking into a Chinese take-away and sipping on vintage red wine and smoking the finest cuban cigars. Jesus, in shock asks, "What's going on?" Peter turns and replies, "It's Judas, he's come into a bit of money."
A Millwall match at the Den had to be postponed and everyone evacuated after a mysterious object was found on a car outside the ground. It was later confirmed as a tax disc.
tomo1811
11-03-2005, 15:38
A Millwall match at the Den had to be postponed and everyone evacuated after a mysterious object was found on a car outside the ground. It was later confirmed as a tax disc.
weyyyyyy
Great that wasn't it.
Anyway, Darren Bent and Joe Royle jump off a cliff- who hits the ground first?
WHO CARES!
calculus
20-03-2005, 23:34
Family Problems
Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.
One of them kept complaining of family problems.
Finally, the other man said: You think you have family problems? Listen my situation.
A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter. We got married and I got myself a stepdaughter. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother. And my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Much later the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him
my wife's grand-son. That made me the grand-father of my half-brother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the Grandmother. This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose
stepsister is my father's wife, I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew, and; I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!
And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS
calculus
20-03-2005, 23:40
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitches a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that !!!!
The teenager tells her, "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on, With her old wrinkled pair on show. The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her Grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it just is not appropriate .....
The grandmother says, "Loosen up Sweetie. If you can shown off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
calculus
20-03-2005, 23:43
Try this out miss and see if you too can spell mississippi
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in
an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them
at first, but
her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the
men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and
pee twice. Then
come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this
country we don't talk
about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a
justa tellin' my
frienda how to spella 'Mississippi' ."
Just thought I would bless this thread with some dodgy jokes
Paul_The_Beast
20-03-2005, 23:57
Here's a joke for you, can't be arsed looking to see if this has already been posted, anyhoo, make sure you put the appropriate accent when reading BTW:
Englishman, scotsman, irishman (no offence to the irish), 3 soldiers trying to go behind enemy lines. they infiltrate, but see an enemy soldier, and he approaches, so they all dive into nearby sacks. The enemy soldier kicks the first bag with the englishman in and the englishman goes "Woof woof" and the enemy says "It's only a dog". Does the same with the scotsman, but he goes "Meow", and says "It's only a cat", then goes to the irshman, kicks the bag and the irishman goes "Potato potato".
haha, love that joke.
An Irishman goes into a restaurant and orders a pizza. The waitress says "How many pieces do you want it cut into- 6 or 4?"
"4" says the Irishman. "I couldn't manage 6."
An Irishman was flying a plane, when someone in the control tower asked him his height and position. The Irishman says, "5 foot 11 and sitting in the front."
Like Paul The Beast said, no offence to the Irish. You can change these to any group of people, like Ipswich fans or something.
Huge 6'5" 20st scouser is sitting by a bar all alone. Another bloke, eccentrically dressed and obviousy gay sits next to him. Finishes his first drink and plucks up the courage to speak to the massive Liverpudlian on his left.
"Do you want a blowjob?"
He asked quietly, with this the scouser erupted. Knocked the queer guy all over the bar before hurling him out the door and returning to his seat.
"Blimey" said the barman, "I've never seen you react like that before, what did he say?"
"Dunno, something about job"
Original?
21-03-2005, 17:31
That's great LiamK!
Guillermo
23-03-2005, 17:37
Heard these the other day, don't know if they've been posted:-
-What do you call a man with a rabbit up his bum? Warren
-What do you call a townie in a phone box? 'Innit!
-A snail orders a pint from a bar. The bar tender picks up the snail and throws him out. ****Next week, the bartender is putting stools up and is about to close up when the snail enters and says "What the hell did you do that for!"
Original?
23-03-2005, 18:05
A snail orders a pint from a bar. The bar tender picks up the snail and throws him out. ****Next week, the bartender is putting stools up and is about to close up when the snail enters and says "What the hell did you do that for!"
That's realy a joke? :eek:
Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt." The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and while wearing the bright frock he led his mates into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again they vanquished the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of them asked the captain:
"Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood, and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a man's manly man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual reply.
Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his mighty sailing ship and, without fear, turned, and calmly shouted: "Get me my brown pants."
Paul_The_Beast
23-03-2005, 18:12
Rabbit walks into a butchers and says "Can I have a carrot?", the butcher replies "Sorry mate, I'm a butcher, don't sell carrots". So next day the rabbit walks in and again, asks for a carrot, to which he gets the same reply. Goes in the next day and asks again, and the butcher replies "Look, I'm a butcher, I don't sell carrots, and if you come in tomorrow asking for a carrot I'm gonna nail your ears to the wall". So the rabbit walks in the next day and asks the butcher "Have you got any nails?" and the butcher says "No", so the rabbit goes, "Can I have carrot?"
Rabbit walks into a butchers and says "Can I have a carrot?", the butcher replies "Sorry mate, I'm a butcher, don't sell carrots". So next day the rabbit walks in and again, asks for a carrot, to which he gets the same reply. Goes in the next day and asks again, and the butcher replies "Look, I'm a butcher, I don't sell carrots, and if you come in tomorrow asking for a carrot I'm gonna nail your ears to the wall". So the rabbit walks in the next day and asks the butcher "Have you got any nails?" and the butcher says "No", so the rabbit goes, "Can I have carrot?"
thats a good one..
i have one..a bad one like..someone in my tutor shouted accross the room to someone else..
What do you call a retired Postman Pat ?? ......
Pat.
i shall now get my coat.
Paul_The_Beast
23-03-2005, 19:46
No, you stay there, I'll get it for you, while I'm getting it, think long and hard about what you just said.
Guillermo
23-03-2005, 20:46
A man goes to a premature ejaculation class. No-one's there apart from the lecturer. He says to the man "You've cum to early."
Original?
23-03-2005, 22:35
A man goes to a premature ejaculation class. No-one's there apart from the lecturer. He says to the man "You've cum to early."
Ban him... just think of all the losers, I mean people who he's just offended :p
Haribo, don't try and hide it, the PESInsight faithful will help you with your problem. ;)
Paul_The_Beast
23-03-2005, 23:24
http://i149.exs.cx/img149/7495/rooneysumoblub7nx.jpg (http://www.imageshack.us)
Alex"pes"hilty
23-03-2005, 23:34
hahaha that picture is hilarious Paul, but why post it in the jokes section thats Rooneys real body. :D :D
tom pain
23-03-2005, 23:35
For those of you who don't get it, this is a picture of a bottle of milk I took on my mobile. Notice the 'Think! Don't Drink and Drive!' logo on top. :confused:
Not so much a joke, but something I found funny.
Not so much a joke, but something I found funny.
I kind of found it funny as well actually. I can see where you were coming from.
Out of all the drinks they could have put it on they chose milk..:D
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