View Full Version : Jokes
Anyone with jokes post them here, i will start it off!!!
It's been reported that 5 Newcastle players are being accused for taking drugs, they are:
Dyer Cort Given Bellamy Speed :D
Q. Whats the difference between a woman and a battery?
A. A battery has a positive side :D
Nifty1Pound50
23-01-2004, 03:40
o0o0o0oh. Bad joke time.
Two dyslexics walk into a bra...
All bow to my greatness. :D
Alternatively:
What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew?
A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
What did the blind and deaf boy get for Christmas?
Cancer.
(Apologies if these offend anyone, they're not meant to.)
Speaking of batteries:
Two youths were arrested one night. One was playing with fireworks and the other was inhaling battery acid. One was charged, the other was let off.
Ba-boom tsk.
I'll get my coat.
A woman goes to the doctors.
Woman: Doctor, doctor I have a vibrator stuck inside of myself.
Doctor: I will take a look.
Woman: That feels much better, did you get it out?
Doctor: No, just changed the batteries.
I make no pretention fo being politically correct. Please do not take offense from this joke as it is not intended to be racist.
What is big, black and slides down Nelson's Column?
Answer: Winnie Mandella
What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew?
A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
LOL :D
Two irishmen walks into a shop, you would of thought one of them would have seen it!!
Q. Why did the welsh invent velcro?
A. The sheep were getting used to the zip noise :D
LOL at most of these jokes, the pizza one in particular.
Q. How does a mackem turn the light on after sex?
A. Open the car door.
Q. How do you tell if you have been robbed by a mackem?
A. The bin is empty and the cat is pregnant.
Q. How many french soldiers does it take to defend Paris?
A. Nobody knows, they have never tried.
I will also get my coat.
Nifty1Pound50
23-01-2004, 04:10
Did you hear about the new French military vehicle?
It's got five reverse gears, and a forward one in case they get attacked from behind!
Why do the new French navy use glass-bottom boats?
To avoid the old French navy.
Oh, French jokes. I could keep going all day.
Lets not use the n word. It aint banned but it does offend some people.
LOL to the max at all those jokes though.
Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olymipc team?
A. Anyone who can run, jump or swim has crossed the american border.
hitmanuk2k
23-01-2004, 04:43
it should be banned, and indeed now is banned.
sheringham316
23-01-2004, 06:24
How are women like ovens??
you have to get the heat going before you slap the meat in!!
That was the 1st joke i said on this site... in some other thread though!! :)
i hope this dosent offend anyone :(
This guy is throwing a fancy dress party, but he wants everyone to come as a feeling or emotion. he is just finishing getting ready when the doorbell goes. he opens it and sees his friend bob, who is wearing a green lycra jumpsuit, with a large letter N on one side, and a V on the other. "Nice outfit, what have you come as" he asks, to which bob replies, "I'm green with NV" (envy). "Very clever, come on in" and the party continues. Later, the bell goes again, this time it's Sue, who has on a tight pink leotard, with pink feather boas round her chest and waist. "Wow, nice outfit, but what is it" he asks, and sue replies "I'm tickled pink". Nice, come on in. Some more guests arrive, and time passes, and soon the party is in full swing. The bell then goes, and the host answers to sww Paddy and Mick, both buck naked, Paddy with his dick in a bowl of custard, and Mick with his dick in a pear. "What the hell are you two doing" asks the host.."Do you want to get arrested?", to which Paddy replies (note: adopt a thick Irish accent here) "Mick has cum in dis pear, and I'm Fuckin dis custard".
Nifty1Pound50
23-01-2004, 07:21
How do the Chinese name their babies?
Throw a penny in the washing machine and see what happens.
What do you do if your washing machine breaks down?
Slap her.
Giggsy11
23-01-2004, 07:28
Ok heres mine....
Did you hear the one about the irish circumsizer?
.....he missed and got the sack :D
Nifty1Pound50
23-01-2004, 07:32
Did you hear about the Irish abortion clinic?
It's got a 12 month waiting list.
I'll call myself a taxi...
adams9802
23-01-2004, 13:19
it should be banned, and indeed now is banned.
YEA! :D Thanks Hitman!
most of my good jokes are too long to type up :(
I will type my favourite though, its better when spoken though...
A man decided to take his wife out for dinner. He had just got his wage of £50, and hoped if he spent enough on a good night he'd get some nookie when he got home. The meal was £45 and they had a great time. Went home, went to bed, and his wife said 'Sorry, ive had a good time but im too tired.'
The next day he goes down to the local brothel.
'What can I get for a fiver?'
'Well... five pounds? tell you what, go down the coridoor, and it's third door on your right.'
So the man goes down the coridoor happy that he's at least gonna have some fun now, albeit not with his wife. He opens the door and sees a chicken squarking around. Hes mystifed, but thinks what the hell, I only paid a fiver. So he fucks the chicken.
Next week, the man gets paid £60. He takes his wife out again, pays £45 for the meal but when he gets home, his wife has a headache! He is now more sexually frustrated than ever. He sleeps on the sofa.
Next day he goes down to the brothel again, hopeful of something better now he has £15 to spend. He asks:
'What can I have for £15?'
'Well, we don't have any pigs left. Tell you what, go upstairs, down the coridoor, and into the last door on your right.'
The man goes up, thinking he will finally get something for his effort and money. He opens the door and sees a group of men sitting on a glass floor, masturbating over some lesbians downstairs playing with each other.
The man doesnt hesitate and takes one of the complimentary tissues, sits down and starts to do the same. He says to the man next to him 'Not bad this, is it?' to which the man next to him replied...
'No its good! you should've seen it last week, there was some crazy bastard shagging a chicken'
:D:D:D
whats a banana and a brick got in common?
There both yellow apart from the brick :D
Whats the difference between Highbury and a Hedgehog?
A hedgehog has its pricks on the outside :D
Giggsy11
23-01-2004, 23:35
Q. What does Harold Shipman and Gareth Gates got in comon?
A. They both can't finish a sentance.
LOL Giggsy11
Two fat blokes sitting in a pub
1st bloke: Your round
2nd bloke: So are you, you fat ****!!
i never put them f***ing stars there!!!!
stevieboy
01-02-2004, 13:47
2 That have been "doing the rounds" recently:
Q) What has 100 balls and screws old ladies?
A) Bingo
And:
Q) What do you call a blonde with a brain?
A) A Golden Retriever!
Hitler goes to a small jewish girl and asks:
"what do u want to do when u grow up?"
and she sais: "a vet, or an astronaut"
hitler: "No. Either a button or soap".
a black guy and a black girl get married.
on the wedding night the wife says: "didn't u promise to take me to Florida?"
and the guy replies: "No, bitch, I sed I woz gonna tampa wid ya!!!"
A pedophil and a little girl go into the forest. The girl says: "Wow. It's really dark and scary in here." and the pedophil says: "Gee thanks for mentioning that. I have to go back home all by myself."
a very religious arab guy dies and goes to heaven.
At the gates he meets with archangel Gabriel.
arab guy: "Say, Gabe, how is it here?"
gabe: "It's really cool. especially for righteous men like yourself."
arab guy: "listen, I really want to meet Muhamad. where can I find him?"
Gabe: "Oh. Muhammad. he's on a higher floor. try the elevator".
so the arab guy goes into the elevator, gets out, and meets Moses.
arab guy: "hey Moses what's up. where's Muhammad?"
Moses: "Muhammad? oh, he's on a much higher floor than me".
the arab guy is happy, and thinks to himself "well muhammad is higher than that jew bastard. good". he steps into the elevator, goes up a few floors and exits to meet up with Jesus.
Arab guy: "Heeeeeeeeey, Jesus, how's it hangin?"
Jesus: "Not too shabby, how bout u?"
arab guy: "lookin for Muhammad. did u see him?"
Jesus: "well, he's on a higher floor than me. you should try the elevator."
the arab guy can't believe what he's hearing, he runs to the elevator and presses the button to the last floor. he exits at god almighty's chambers.
God: "glad u can make it. u r indeed a very righteous man".
arab guy: "listen, god, no disrespect or anything, but I really came here to meet with Muhammad. where is he?"
god: "Oh, Muhammad? hold on. MUHAMMAD, GET US 2 COFFEES ON THE DOUBLE!!!".
on day (friends name), (friends name), (friend u want to take the p*ss out of) died and when to hevaen, st peter was just opening the gate, but before he did he told teh 3 friend that they could do any thing ecept step on a duck as they where gods faverate creature, the friends looked at each other and said ok, how hard could that be, st peter open the gate and all around was ducks, st peter add if you stand on one of them god will punish u,
so the friend where walking about looking aroung when (Friends name) steps on a duck, bang, god apperaed and changed teh most uglys woman to (Friends name), he said your punashment is to be chain to thie ugly woman for eternity.
a couple of days later (Friends name) steped on a duck, Bang god apperaed and chained him to a ugly woman
(friend u want to take the p*ss out of) was walking around when all of a sudden bang god apperaed, and chained the most buiteful woman to him. (friend u want to take the p*ss out of) asked the woman what was happening, she said that she had steped on a duck, lol
The Vitality
01-02-2004, 21:38
-Edit- Don't leave your computer unattended whilst your mates are around...
I apologise, I almost died of embarrasment.
One day an Arsenal fan, a Chelsea fan and a West Ham fan strolled around London commenting on the lovely weather London and the south east of England was having at that moment in time. They were extremely happy until they saw a group of Man U fans... Incase you don't get it...London should not be full of Man U fans.
what the bloody hell was that?
stay there ill get your coat for you - and pay for your cab :confused:
The Vitality
01-02-2004, 22:08
50th Anniversary.
A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the
wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee
she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says,
"Honey, Do you remember this?"
He looks up at her and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee
the night we were married."
She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that
night?"
He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?" she asks.
He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, 'Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, I'm
going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out!'"
She giggles and says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you said.
So, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night.
What do you have to say tonight?"
Again he looks up at her and looks her up and down and replies, "Mission
Accomplished."
A Disgrace to the Family.
There was a young pretty virgin girl who lived with her grandma.
She was invited to go on her first date. Before the date her
grandma took her aside and said to her, " The boy is going to
try to kiss you; you will like that. But don't let him do it.
The boy will try to feel your breast; you will like that. But
don't let him do it. The boy will try to put his hands between
your legs; you will like that. But don't let him do that. The
boy will try to get on top of you and have his way with you.
Most certainely don't let him do that. He will disgrace your
dear family if you let him do that."
The girl went on her date and when she came back her grandma
asked her how it went. The young girl said, "It was just like
you said Grandma! But, to reassure you. When he tried that
business with getting on top of me, I rolled him over, got on
top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"
A man is walking home from work one day when he hears cries for help coming from a burning building. Being a brave sorta chap he rushes in to help the trapped person, finding a leprichaun trapped ina room. The man ran out of the house with the leprichaun and sat him on the pavement. The leprichaun says that he will grant the man one wish for saving his life. The man explains that he is lacking in the trouser deparment and then whispers something to the leprichaun. Than night the man was woken up by a knock at the front door. He goes down stairs and opens the door to find a ku klux klan member. The klan members then says "Is it you that wanted to be hung like a black man?"
hitmanuk2k
02-02-2004, 03:19
i'm fairly certain we agreed not to have any kinda of race related jokes in here, but nevermind, it was half-funny.
Ok, sorry about that one p.
Perhaps this joke will make up for it. It aint pc but very topical.
Q: What have white zimbabweans and rachaels dog got on common?
A: Really bad treatment.
why did the Koala fall out of the tree?
because it was dead.
Why did the second Koala fall out of the tree?
Because it was stapled to the first one.
tom pain
02-02-2004, 04:29
25 years into the future George W. Bush dies and goes to hell. At the Gates of Hell he meets Satan.
"We're not expecting you for another few years, and all our presidential rooms are full," he tells George. "Tell you what, you choose a president to release and take his place."
George agrees and follows Satan to the VIP section. They get to the first room, and inside is Ronald Regan, who has been forced to swim up and down an olympic-sized pool for all eternity.
"I can't go here," says George, "I can't swim." Satan leads him to the next room. In this one is Richard Nixon, who has to smash rocks with a pick-axe for all eternity.
"I've got a bad shoulder," George tells the devil, "I can't replace him." They walk on to the third and final room. Inside is Bill Clinton strapped naked to a table with his legs wide open. Alongside him is Monica Lewinsky, who has been forced to give him the eternal BJ. George thinks for a bit, before making up his mind.
"I think I'll have this room," he says with a smile.
"Ok," says Satan who smiles back, "Monica, your free to go."
Flipper the Priest
02-02-2004, 07:31
Whats the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. And Micheal Jackson fucks kids.
What goes clink, clunk, "Is that it?" ?
Stevie Wonder with a rubix cube.
What's the difference between Gary Glitter and acne?
Acne waits until you're 12 before it comes on your face.
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
A wig walks into a bar and says, "Can I have a pint?"
the barman replies "No, I'm not serving you"
"Why?", says the wig
"Because you're off your head"
Knock Knock
Who's there?
I Map . . . .(the most immature joke I know)
stevieboy
02-02-2004, 11:09
2 Nuns are in the bath.
1st nun says to the other "where's the soap?"
2nd nun mis-hears, smiles softly and says "yes, it does, doesn't it!"
works better if you say it............
The seven dwarfs are granted an audience with the pope. Dopey steps forward to ask for his advice.
The Pope: How can I help you my son?
Dopey: How many dwarf nuns are there in the vatican father?
The Pope: None my son, any other questions?
Dopey: How many dwarf nuns are there in europe father?
The Pope: None my son, now do you have anything else to ask?
Dopey: How many dwarf nuns are there in the world father?
The Pope: None my son, what is it with you and dwarf nuns?
Grumpy: Well father, dopey fucked a penguin.
tomo1811
04-02-2004, 17:38
Bin laden has a 40 million price tag on his head!
chelsea are interested
(if its been said! i hang my head in shame)
tomo1811
04-02-2004, 17:41
what ya call a black man on a bicycle???
Theif!
btw im black am my dad told it me!!! funny man funny man
tomo1811
04-02-2004, 17:54
mans in court for being drunk and disorderly in public
judge says ' do you know why your here?
blokes says 'no'
judge says 'youre here for the heavy drinking!'
bloke says ' great! when do we start'
you can ave tht
Henry_IS_God
04-02-2004, 18:01
Little red riding hood walking in the forest.....
hears a rattle in a bush just to the side of her and says 'Whos there'
And the Wolf shits himself and fucks off....
another 100 yards or so.... same noise in the bush....
she says "who there' and wolf runs off agen!
another 100 yards......
same noise agen!!!! she says 'Whos there'
And Wolf goes....... 'WILL YOU FUCK OFF IM TRYIN TO HAVE A SHIT'
tomo1811
04-02-2004, 18:02
boooooooooooooooooooooooooooo get off the stage
stick to diving
Henry_IS_God
04-02-2004, 18:05
our ya jealous u didn't do it! :D
tomo1811
04-02-2004, 18:16
hahahaha good joke:confused:
stevieboy
14-02-2004, 01:34
Our ice cream man was found dead in the back of his van. He was covered in hundreds & thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
stevieboy
14-02-2004, 01:38
2 Eskimos were in their boat, felt chilly, so lit a fire in it.
The boat sank and the poor Eskimos died.
Proof that you can't have your Kayak and heat it!
Zizou_Zizi
14-02-2004, 13:20
Why did the boat sink if it isn't made up of ice???
Or did the lake defrost???
Edgar Davids
15-02-2004, 00:22
How do you kill a blue elephant?
Edgar Davids
15-02-2004, 00:23
Shoot it.
Edgar Davids
15-02-2004, 00:23
How do you kill a pink elephant?
Edgar Davids
15-02-2004, 00:24
Turn its trunk till it turns blue then shoot it.:)
Edgar Davids
15-02-2004, 00:24
Do you think its funny?:)
nath_scfc
15-02-2004, 00:32
Wat do u do wen an elephant comes thru your window>?????????
Swim for your life!!!!
nath_scfc
15-02-2004, 00:36
Eskimos ski-mobile breaks down so he goes get it fixed. Gets there and mechanic tinkers with it and says "looks like u blew a seal." Theeskimo says, rather embarassedly,"No,no, thats just the frost on my moustache"
tomo1811
15-02-2004, 01:39
ive got a greta joke!
' Lee Hughes is innocent '
Zizou_Zizi
15-02-2004, 11:04
Elephants thru the window :)
They sound like baby ones :D
Edgar Davids
15-02-2004, 11:37
Lucky my window is so small that even an ant can't go in!:)
Edgar Davids
15-02-2004, 12:12
Not really that small but small enough to not let an elephant go through.
Edgar Davids
15-02-2004, 12:14
If an elephant comes in I will turn its trunk till it turns blue then I'll shoot it.
Zizou_Zizi
15-02-2004, 13:29
Where's your gun, eh, Davids???
:p
edgar davids, do youthink you could have maybe just put that all in one post? maybe next time if you have something to add you could just edit the first post? thanks.
L . F . C
16-02-2004, 05:06
well said lucy
>>edit by lucy>> thank you! (demonstrating my point because i didnt want to say much)
Travis Bickle
16-02-2004, 19:07
A man goes into a bar with an emu and a cat. The guy goes up to the bar and asks for three pints of lager and they all go sit down. After they've finished the emu comes up to the bar and asks for three pints, the barman gets 'em and the emu sits down again. When they've finished ther drinks the man comes back to the bar and asks for 'three pints' so the bar man serves him. They get a few more rounds in but its always the emu and the man that buys the round the cat just sits there. So after a while when the man goes up for the drinks the bar man asks
"How come its always you or the emu that comes up to buy the drinks the cat just sits there?"
"Well theres a funny story behind that. I was walking down the road the other day and I saw a lamp ont the floor so I picked it up, hearing the stories, I decided to rub it. A genie popped out andf says to me 'I am the genie of the lamp I can grant you one wish?"
"one wish I say" "one wish he says" "So I asked him for a Bird with long legs and a tight pussy!"
nath_scfc
16-02-2004, 21:36
red riding hood is going through the woods when she sees the wolf and she stands theree. The wolf is puzzled and says "Aren't you going to run away?" She lifts up her skirt and replies "No,eat me like it says in the book!!!" :D
Edgar Davids
16-02-2004, 22:40
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say!"
Phew...... Anyway, is this a joke?
what is a blonde girl running?
fast food!!lool :D
Two fat blokes sitting in a pub, one goes to the other "your round" the other one go "so are you, ya fat bastard"
ChelseaDave
19-02-2004, 03:16
its been said mate :)
i think you said it ages ago :eek:
so i did :o
Ok then heres one:
A monkey walks into a bakery and asks for a loath of bread, the baker said do you want it sliced or unsliced, the monkey goes sliced i'm on me bike!!! :D :D :D
Why does a blonde wear knickers? Keep her ankles warm...
What's the difference between Micheal Jackson and a palastic bag? One carries your shopping and the other fucks kids
What's a bowling ball and your average slapper got in common? They both get picked up, fingers put in them and thrown down an ally.
Ahh so bad...
L . F . C
19-02-2004, 04:21
last 1 was funny
Two peanuts walk into a pub
One was a salted
ChelseaDave
19-02-2004, 17:17
i have a poem for ye*
I be a farmer,
my name be bob,
im widely renown,
for the size of me nob,
but the size of me nob,
it makes girls weep but,
its just the right size,
for me cows & me sheep :D
best said in a western country accent :p
L . F . C
19-02-2004, 21:18
very good chelseaboys
tom pain
19-02-2004, 21:21
A man walks into a bar.....and needed stitches.
Crap I know.
Flipper the Priest
19-02-2004, 22:06
What have Michael Jackson and Santa have in common?
They both creep into little kids rooms to empty their sacks.
What have Michael Jackson and an ASDA bag have in common?
They're both white, plastic and dangerous with little kids.
tomo1811
20-02-2004, 04:27
what has a pelican, an ostrich and the inland revenue got in common???
They all can shove there bills up there arse :D
tomo1811
20-02-2004, 04:31
i may ahve sent this in but i think i just thought of doing it !!
two blondes walking down the street, the 1 of um goes 'awwwww look a dead bird' the other looks us and says 'where?'
that is credited to my mate eggy
Edgar Davids
21-02-2004, 21:00
Why is it cold in a football field?
Because of all the fans!
i may ahve sent this in but i think i just thought of doing it !!
two blondes walking down the street, the 1 of um goes 'awwwww look a dead bird' the other looks us and says 'where?'
that is credited to my mate eggy
Not sure there's any credit due there
sheringham316
21-02-2004, 21:45
lmao but that is a joke! :D:D ^ :D:D
Travis Bickle
24-02-2004, 22:12
Whats highly flammable and should be kept away from children?
Travis Bickle
24-02-2004, 22:13
Michael Jackson.
tomo1811
25-02-2004, 01:12
this peice of tarmac walks into a bar and says ill have drink! the bar man gets his drink and says youre new whats ya name he said 'im called dual carriage way', bar man says 'oh! have u met my freind hard shoulder' this other peice of tarmac comes over giving it the biggun ' im the hardest tarmac known to man! im on the hardshoulder they dont come tougher then me' the dual carriage way looks at him ' pissing hell you are hard' when behind him a red peice of tarmac comes in! like a shot the har shoulder runs and hides inside the toilet! the dual carriage way says 'why did you run in here whats up?' in which he replied ' u see that red tarmac in there hes a fucking cyclepath'
i know its poor but when i was told i was laughin for ages lol
tomo1811
25-02-2004, 01:13
a bloke with torettes walks into a fucking bastard shit bar
L . F . C
21-03-2004, 02:30
there was a 15 year old & about a 5 year old hu shared a room and a bunk bed, the 15 year old slept on top, his g/f cum round last nite and he sed 2 her if u want it hard say lettuce if u want it soft say tomato, the girl kept screamin lettuce tomato lettuce tomato lettuce tomato lettuce tomato and the little 5yr old on da bottom bunk said will u stop makin salad sandwiches your getin salad cream all over me
o0oGedo0o
21-03-2004, 02:58
lol well here's one , a guy wakes up and finds one of his balls blue, so he went to the doctor and the doctor said to him we should cut it off so he did, the next day he wakes up he finds the other one blue so he went back to the doctor so the doctor repiled we should cut off the other so he did, the third day he wakes up he found his penus blue so he went back to the doctor and the doctor replied we have to cut it off so he did, the fourth day he found his knee blue so he went to the doctor so the doctor said do you have a blue pants so the guy said yes the doctor said don't wear it again
there was a 15 year old & about a 5 year old hu shared a room and a bunk bed, the 15 year old slept on top, his g/f cum round last nite and he sed 2 her if u want it hard say lettuce if u want it soft say tomato, the girl kept screamin lettuce tomato lettuce tomato lettuce tomato lettuce tomato and the little 5yr old on da bottom bunk said will u stop makin salad sandwiches your getin salad cream all over me
That joke is years old.
L . F . C
21-03-2004, 03:54
so sum people might not av heard it
not saying you shouldn't have posted it, I'm just saying that it's old. ;)
Travis Bickle
21-03-2004, 08:46
Two irish men walk into a bar.............
........ You'd of thought at least one of them would've seen it.
A horse walks into a bar, barman says "why the long face."
Its a cracker.
yr970255
21-03-2004, 08:49
A boy comes home from school and says to his dad
"Dad,dad i just had sex with my geography teacher"
Dad says.
"Great son go ride your brothers bike."
Son says.
"I cant coz my bum's still sore"
Nifty1Pound50
22-03-2004, 02:49
OK. I'm going to get my coat now, and be standing in the doorway as I tell this one, to save time later on...
An Irish lady is pregnant with twins. Everything is going well, and she goes into labour. Unfortunately, she falls into a coma whilst giving birth and is unconscious for four months.
When she finally awakens, she is very distraught.
"Calm down," says the doctor. "You've got a boy and a girl, and they're very healthy. You've been in a coma."
"A coma? Jesus! For how long, doctor?"
"Four months."
"Four months? Oh my God! Jesus, my babies have been without names for four months?!?"
"No, we got your brother to name them, as he's your nearest relative."
"Please tell me you're joking doctor. You can't have asked him," the lady says. "He's an IDIOT!" After she calms down a bit, she asks, "What did he name the girl?"
"Denise."
"Denise?" She pauses. "Well, that's not actually too bad a name. In fact, I quite like it." The woman is feeling relieved. "And what did he name the boy?"
"Denephew."
I'm already gone.
Zygalski
22-03-2004, 06:59
No need to go anywhere.
I liked that one the first time I heard it.
Someone will always like or dislike some jokes but I'm seeing and hearing good new ones all the time. Someone's old and bad joke could be someone else's new and cool joke :)
Here's one which was written by a 4-year-old I knew:
1- "Knock knock"
2- "who's there?"
1- "Park"
2- "Park who?"
1- *Giggles and then laughs*
The end.
I thought it was good for a youngster.
L . F . C
24-03-2004, 04:54
wats the similaritys between santa and micheal jackson
ANSWER:
they both visit children with full sacks when the leave there both empty
yr970255
24-03-2004, 07:41
What do u call a fly wth no wings?
A walk.
i think a few people here need to get their coats :D
Flipper the Priest
24-03-2004, 07:53
What goes "aaaaaaaaaaaahh"?
A sheep with no lips.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig.
My coats still on the peg!!
I'm here to stay!!
Travis Bickle
24-03-2004, 21:15
What d'ya call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.
What d'ya call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.
tomo1811
24-03-2004, 21:30
knock knock
whos there?
Frenchman!
Frenchman who?
(Shrug you shoulders in french manner)
-=[101st]=-
25-03-2004, 13:59
Q. what is the worst part about 4 terrorists driving a bus off a cliff??
A. A bus seats more than 4!
how do u sit 4 gay guys on a bar stool?
turn it upside down
how does a gay guy remove a condom?
farts.
tomo1811
25-03-2004, 22:51
what you call a sikh carpenter, armed a-shed
I got a joke: i have a big £"!£"$^£"** and when i was "$%"$^" with a girl she £%^£^%£$^£^$ and when i $"£"$% she pulled the £^$£^%£%& and all dripped down and she %&$&$^*$!!!!!!!!!!
If you want the rude version private message me
Whats the difference between a banana and a brick?
There both yellow apart from the brick!!!!
I Thank You!!!
hah . no it aint funny marshy
Yo mama jokes:
yo mama's so stupid and fat her idea of a balanced meal is a big mac in each hand
yo mama so ugly when she was born they put her in the penguin incubator
yo mama's so ugly yo daddy takes her with him to work every day so he won't have to kiss her goodbye
yo mama so poor I saw her kickin a can of coke down the street and asked her what are you doin she replied "movin"
yo mama so poor she can't even afford to pay attention
lateef you shoulda just posted it mate.
ashmufc is a cock :D
ashmufc mate im not tryign to be rude its a lovely signature but really -
you've gotta actually have skill to be able to do that, the boots dont do it for you ya know?
and let's get this cleared up - you arent a £25mil rated brazillian who plays for barcelone - are you? :rolleyes:
just be rude its easier. after all he his a knobhead.
nath_scfc
26-03-2004, 01:03
is he the tit who ordered the boots wothout seein the oother side of them?
Zygalski
26-03-2004, 04:37
Here's one a mate just emailed me:
==============================
Fw: Lucky man : A Lesson in Life
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and
so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my
friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was
only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was
her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini
skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite
near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate.
She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to
be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she
wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and
committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come
up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the
stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and
threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front
door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight
towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.
With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that
you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the
family."
The moral of this story is: always keep your condoms in your car.
===========================
nice!
as opposed to where though? hanging out of your back pocket??
What has three balls and comes from outer space?
-ET the extra testicle
What has a thousand teeth and eats weenies?
-a zipper
harr dee harr harr.......................... ..... :violent on-stage death:
Sorry if this offends anyone!!!!
THERE WAS A CHINEESE MAN THAT WAS MARRIED TO A CHINEESE LADY. HIS WIFE WENT TO THE HOSPITAL AND HER BABY CAME OUT. IT WAS AN AFRICAN AMERICAN COLOR AND HER HUSBAND CALLED THE BABY WOT-WENT-WONG
tomo1811
26-03-2004, 20:43
hah . no it aint funny marshy
what you on abt that class
How do you stop a dog humping your leg?
Pick it up and suck his cock!! :D
this one is funny but old so don't have a go at me if you already know it.
what did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
wiped his ass!
Flipper the Priest
14-04-2004, 07:57
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It went up the road and turned into a field.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
hereticboy
14-04-2004, 09:18
Last night someone stole half of the stock in McDonalds! Police are looking for a hamburglar!! :D :o
Sorry if this offends anyone!!!!
THERE WAS A CHINEESE MAN THAT WAS MARRIED TO A CHINEESE LADY. HIS WIFE WENT TO THE HOSPITAL AND HER BABY CAME OUT. IT WAS AN AFRICAN AMERICAN COLOR AND HER HUSBAND CALLED THE BABY WOT-WENT-WONG
That is funny :D :D :D :D :D
tomo1811
15-04-2004, 05:00
whats black and shags old women!?!?!
henry_is_ god's lucky over coat
:D
stevieboy
16-04-2004, 21:37
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon
10,000 volts went up its arse
And turned its wool to nylon!
****
Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her
Between 2 chunks of bread
I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"
So I hung up.
thats shit. sorry but it is
I agree , no offence Mappa
that seems like something you actually did and then tryed to make a joke out of it.
No I got it off another forum and thought it was quite funny but I guess I was wrong.
Two elephants fall of a cliff.
Boom Boom
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar - the barman says 'What is this, a joke?'
-------------------------------------
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he
reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just
stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating."Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied.
"Both of them are Daddy Longlegs,"
The little girl thought for a moment-then took her foot and stomped them flat.
"Well, we're not having any of that gay arse-bandit shite in our garden."
it appears not.
i read that in this weeks nuts magazine and i thought it was shit then.
you also missed out the jew, catholic and blind man
I think I will just give up on jokes. I think it is the best option for everyone so they dont have to suffer anymore pain.
BTW I didnt take the joke from Nuts if thats what you think as I dont even buy the magazine.
A penguin walks into a pub and asks the barman if his seen his twin brother.
the barman goes: whats he look like??
I'll get me coat
a bloke walks into a butchers, the bloke says whats happened to your assistant?? the butcher goes i sacked him, the bloke says why?? the butcher replies... he wer sticking his dick in the baking slicer!!!!! the bloke replies well what av u done with the baking slicer??? butcher replies... I SACKED HER N ALL!!!!
Peter Kay fans know whats up
Breaking News:
Victoria Beckham has decided to get her own back on David Beckham. She has allegedly been sleeping with Michael Jackson. when JAckson was asked about the story he denied it claiming he was in Brooklyn at the time.
When the leicester players were in spain Paul Dickov decided to ask this German girl for sex. sh Replied with nine. so he went and got 8 of his friends.
(nine is no in german)
When the leicester players were in spain Paul Dickov decided to ask this German girl for sex. sh Replied with nine. so he went and got 8 of his friends.
(nine is no in german)
wrong. nein is no in german.
your first joke about victoria beckham/michael jackson was quite funny.
wrong. nein is no in german.
your first joke about victoria beckham/michael jackson was quite funny.
sorry if i spelt it wrong. ive never done german or been to germany. it still said the same though isnt it
sorry if i spelt it wrong. ive never done german or been to germany. it still said the same though isnt it
yeah it is. the reason why I pointed out the spelling mistake is that the whole joke is based around the word "nein". :)
tomo1811
22-04-2004, 10:44
how you stop a mole digging in ya garden?!?
take his spade off him
olden but golden lol
skullverine
22-04-2004, 11:15
my friend said this
teacher:what is your ambition when u grow up??
my friend: a househusband
LOL :D :D :D
pelepele
22-04-2004, 11:39
Why did the baker have brown hands?
Because he kneaded a poo!
Gizmondo
22-04-2004, 14:07
Un-Nicked, I would hardly call that a joke.
tomo1811
22-04-2004, 15:33
theres was a black out in our street last night!
luckily we caught him b4 he got to far
my friend said this
teacher:what is your ambition when u grow up??
my friend: a househusband
LOL
Tell your friend he is one funny guy.
theres was a black out in our street last night!
luckily we caught him b4 he got to far
mmmm...probably the most racist thing i have seen on this board to date. nice one tomo :(
pelepele
22-04-2004, 18:27
Two nuns in the bath, first nun says wears the soap. second nun says your right it does! :eek:
Two nuns riding down a cobbled street, first nun says have you cum this way before. second nun says no i usually sit on the washing machine! :eek:
Two nuns on a park bench when a pervert flashes them. first nun has a stroke but the second nun couldnt reach! :eek:
Darth Daft
22-04-2004, 19:17
Went to the doctors the other day because i kept having this strange dream that I had written the Lord of the Rings.
He said not to worry, turns out i was just tolkien in my sleep.
BOOM BOOM
pelepele
22-04-2004, 19:52
Michael Jackson has been accused of having an affair with Victoria Beckham, but he says he was in Brooklyn at the time!
Gizmondo
22-04-2004, 22:09
Already done Pele x2.
I got a joke: i have a big £"!£"$^£"** and when i was "$%"$^" with a girl she £%^£^%£$^£^$ and when i $"£"$% she pulled the £^$£^%£%& and all dripped down and she %&$&$^*$!!!!!!!!!!
If you want the rude version private message me
Send it to me please :D :D :D :D
What does J.Lo and a doorknobs have in common?
Everyone gets a turn.
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''
Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''
Hallo? Is this Giganta? Giganta Crotchetta?
Oh, grand! It's Bond.
James Bond? O07?
Shaken not stirred? Tuxedo? The trunk-sized jet pack? We had a run in with an Austrian terrorist with the overdeveloped reptilian brain and a predilection for man-eating octopi launching bazookas?
Well, contacting you took quite a bit of doing actually. You see, first I tried Giganta Crotchetta. I must have looked in every phone directory that MI-6 could hack into. Then I figured out that Giganta might be a code name. I mean, who has the name Giganta Crotchetta? Rather silly, when you think about it?
Yes, yes I suppose you do like it. Anyway, I recalled that I kept one of your garments – your knickers actually. And there it was. "Honey Rider" is a much prettier and commonplace name. You should use that.
Ah, yes. The, uh... point. Well, it seems that... well, there's no delicate way to put this. I have a rather nasty case of syphilis. And, um, I'm calling all my sexual partners to let them know that they should go get tested.
Uh-huh. Right. I know it was ten years ago. But the syphilis is rather unusual.
Well, it has gonorrhea.
Yes, my syphilis has gonorrhea.
And the gonorrhea has lice. And the lice have some undiscovered disease that's kind of between hemorrhagic fever and the mumps. It’s a virulent mutant strand developed by Dr. No-Means-Yes during Mission: "The Russian Spy Who Loved To Thunderball Me.”
Yes, I know I said I had a condom. But you see all the condoms I had were made by Q, and apparently, the condoms weren’t meant to be condoms -- they were designed to be used as a pocket parachute. Good man. If you need to have your stapler work as a gun, he's your boy. Anyway, you didn’t notice because while we were passionately embraced, your tongue accidentally trigged my knockout gas tooth and you, um, drifted off to sleep. But trust me, you enjoyed yourself. They all do.
Anyway, with all the rather bizarre ailments my, um, bizarre ailments have, the doctors have advised me to contact everyone in my sexual history about my condition. No small feat, I assure you. If you saw the list, you'd think I'd been having sex with my fellow spies for 50 years!
Well, this is what the doctors suggest. Right now, I am in a remote island facility. Actually there's no facility. Just an island. And me. But they'e building one as soon as they can find enough hazmat suits. Anyway, a helicopter is going to pick you up and bring you to the island where we can be treated in isolation.
Chin up! Look at it this way: it'll give us a chance to get caught up. And maybe once some of the redness goes down, along with some of the greenness and the larvae, we can do some REAL reminiscing.
"Oh, James." What's that supposed to mean?
Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do List
December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7
Debug Windows '2000
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas. Festoon windows with worthless stock.
December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
Why did the 3 blondes jump off the building?
They wanted to see if their maxi-pads really had wings.
What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
Not everyone's been in a 747!
Why can't a blonde dial 911?
She can't find the eleven
What kinds of people don't get invited to blonde parties?
Women!
Why do blondes wear big hoop earrings when they go on a date?
So they have some place to put their feet.
A Blonde's Brain At Work
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
Why doesn't the blonde want to drink beer on the beach?
Because she doesn't want to get sand in her Busch.
One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.
''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried.
''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!''
Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake.
One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?"
"You are on the other side," the other blonde yells back.
Why do blondes like cars with adjustable steering wheels?
Because they like more head room.
Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
So they went home.
''Have you heard my knock-knock joke?'' asked the blonde.
''No,'' said the brunette.
''Okay,'' said the blonde, ''you start.''
Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?
She heard the drinks were on the house.
How do you keep a blonde busy? (see below)
How do you keep a blonde busy? (see above)
Alligator Shoes
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Michael Jackson has been accused of having an affair with Victoria Beckham, but he says he was in Brooklyn at the time!
how can michael jackson have an affair he isnt going out with any1
Travis Bickle
23-04-2004, 22:04
Why do Essex girls wear knickers ?
To keep there ankles warm.
What do you call a scouser in a white shell suit?
THE BRIDE
A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 shots of vodka ,the barman asks him what he`s celebrating ? and the guy replies " my first blowjob". The barman says well done and offers to give him a free drink to celebrate , but the other guy says if 12 dont get rid of the taste another one wont make any differance
Seven dwarfs havin a bath.
Everyone's feeling happy.
So happy gets out.
Travis Bickle
24-04-2004, 13:10
What do you call a scouser in a suit ?
The accused.
chewynotcrunchy
24-04-2004, 13:22
Mary had a little skirt
with a split right up the side
and every time she rode her bike
the boys could se her thighs
Mary had a little shirt
with a split right up the front
but she never wore that one............
Nifty1Pound50
24-04-2004, 16:24
...because you're a dickhead?
Flipper the Priest
24-04-2004, 17:37
. . . because it was too small?
chewynotcrunchy
25-04-2004, 10:29
Obviously loses effect in translation.............
im confused....was it going to be cúnt? because im not sure you could see that just because her shirt was split :confused:
Nifty1Pound50
25-04-2004, 11:47
A little bird, a-singing sweet
Awoke me from my bed
I walked over to the windowsil
And shot the fucker dead
chewynotcrunchy
25-04-2004, 12:15
Did I write shirt, it was supposed to be skirt..............
d'oh......
chewynotcrunchy
25-04-2004, 12:18
How's this then.
I met an old girl in the graveyard
I didn't mind the fact she was dead
Worms had infested her asshole
and maggots crawled out of her head
so after having my way with her
seeing i'd committed a sin
out of my pocket I drew out a straw
and sucked out the load I blew in
pelepele
26-04-2004, 13:50
how can michael jackson have an affair he isnt going out with any1
because it only takes one person to be in a relationship for it to be an affair :confused:
pelepele
26-04-2004, 13:57
what did the psychiatrist say to the man with cling film pants on? :confused:
i can clearly see your nuts. :p
Harry-Kewell
26-04-2004, 14:35
Big Ron reinstated. ;)
http://www.euphorics.net/gallery/images/1082729125Ron.jpg
Travis Bickle
26-04-2004, 20:43
^class.
Why do they call it PMS ?
Because 'mad cow disease' was already taken.
A bloke was trying to cross a busy road, a traffic warden coome up to him and said there is a zebra-crossing over there so the bloke say i hope its getting on better then me.
A bloke is walking his dog through a graveyard a woman say morning and he say nah i'm walking me dog!!!
spikeymaracca
11-05-2004, 20:01
Knock knock
Who's there?
Big ish
Big ish who?
not today thanks.:p
Travis Bickle
11-05-2004, 20:49
A battery and a firework got arrested.......
one was charged the other was let off.
Whats the difference between a terrorist and a woman on the blob?
You can negotiate with a terrorist
tomo1811
11-05-2004, 21:52
booooooooooooooooooooooooooooo lol
didnt the dinosaurs you that
Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
A toilet was nicked from a police station...
The police say they have nothing to go on.
nath_scfc
21-05-2004, 16:07
Why does the river mersey run through Liverpool?
Cus if it walked it'd get mugged!!!
Im gone
tomo1811
22-05-2004, 18:36
Why does the river mersey run through Liverpool?
Cus if it walked it'd get mugged!!!
Im gone
(bows with honour at the worlds greatest joke ) :D
Your Mom is soo fat, she comes from both sides of the family.
nath_scfc
23-05-2004, 12:00
Why do people take an instant dislike to Vale ??
It saves time.
Why do Vale fans whistle on the toilet ??
So they know which end to wipe.
Why do Arsenal men like smart women ??
Opposites attract.
What do you call an Vale fan in a 3 bedroom semi ??
A burglar.
What do you say to an Vale fan with a job ??
"can I have a Big Mac!"
What do you call an Cardiff fan in a suit ??
The accused.
Did you hear about the Conservative MP who was found dead in an Vale strip?
The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarassment.
Did you hear the one about the kid who asked for a cowboy outfit for Christmas ??
His Dad got him an Vale kit.
What do you call an Vale fan with half a brain ??
Gifted.
How do the braincells of an Vale fan die ??
Alone.
How do you make an Vale fan's eyes light up ??
Shine a torch in his ears.
Why should you not allow Vale fans a coffee break at work ??
Because it takes too long to retrain them.
What do you call the Vale team standing ear to ear ??
A wind tunnel.
Why did the Vale fan get sacked from the M & M factory ??
He kept throwing out the W's.
What do you call a fly inside an Vale fans head ??
A Space Invader.
I APOLOGISE FOR REPEATING ANY JOKES!
I don't want to sound racist so just remember this is a joke:
Your mum's so black she leaves fingerprints on charcoal!!!
RACIST !!! there was no need to post it.
oh so how bout this one yo momma so black her spit is like yoo-hoo (don't know the brand for chocholate flavored milk in england) :p
yo momma so poor I saw her kickin a soda can down the street and when I asked her what she was doing she said "I'm movin".
yo momma so poor she cant even afford to pay attention
yo momma is just like a shotgun - 2 cocks and she blows
RACIST !!! there was no need to post it.
Yet it is perfectly fine for you to post one about someone being fat!!!
Goldbergio
24-05-2004, 15:16
young lads in a pub drinkin with his mates when this bloke comes up to him and starts shoutin in his face "I FUCKED UR MUM!!!" and "UR MUMS A WHORE" after a while the young lad gets pissed off and sez "dad fuck off home ur pissed"
whats difference between a woman and a fridge?
fridge dont fart when you pull your meet out
Flipper the Priest
26-05-2004, 02:49
Pingu's driving around the desert when his car breaks down. He puts it in the garage, and waits as the mechanic takes a look.
As a penguin would in the desert, he starts to feel hot, so he nips over to the ice-cream man across the road for some refreshment. Not being used to eating ice-cream with a large beak, Pingu gets himself in a huge mess and in the end has ice-cream all over his face.
Pingu returns to the garage and the mechanic says, "I know what the problem is, I think you've blown a seal."
"No," Pingu replies, "it's only ice-cream."
Gizmondo
26-05-2004, 16:12
LMCO
Guess what that stands for............
Travis Bickle
26-05-2004, 19:46
Why do men have their best ideas during sex ?
Because they're plugged into a f**kin' genius.*
*this joke was supplied by one of my female friends, good job she's fit !
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''
The Teacher fainted.
guitar_god92
19-06-2004, 22:10
lmao :D heres one:
a boy goes up to his mum and says "mum, is god a man or a woman?" the mum goes, after thinking about it "well son, god is both a man and a woman" then he asks "is god black or white?" then she says "well god is both black and white" then the boy enquires "is god gay or straight?" and she answers the third time, "god is both gay and straight"
Then the boy stands up triumphantly, and says "Mum, is god Michael Jackson?"
sbfootie
19-06-2004, 22:13
lmao :D heres one:
a boy goes up to his mum and says "mum, is god a man or a woman?" the mum goes, after thinking about it "well son, god is both a man and a woman" then he asks "is god black or white?" then she says "well god is both black and white" then the boy enquires "is god gay or straight?" and she answers the third time, "god is both gay and straight"
Then the boy stands up triumphantly, and says "Mum, is god Michael Jackson?"
he he he thats a great 1
Nifty1Pound50
19-06-2004, 23:03
People laughed when I said I was going to become a comedian.
Well, they're not laughing now.
haha! i just got that nifty! really made me laugh, god im blonde..
Nifty1Pound50
22-06-2004, 21:57
Look at her, licking my arse like that.
Anyone'd think she wants my penile excrement.
Travis Bickle
22-06-2004, 22:27
People laughed when I said I was going to become a comedian.
Well, they're not laughing now.
Don't steal a dead man's joke !
Nifty1Pound50
22-06-2004, 22:33
Monkhouse used it, didn't he? That wasn't actually where I heard it first - but yeah. I'm allowing the man's immortality to live on.
Travis Bickle
22-06-2004, 22:39
Monkhouse used it, didn't he?
Monkhouse wrote this shit, if you ever hear a really pony trap, makes-you-groan joke chances are The Monk wrote it.
I'm still having sex at 65 !
I live at nmber 67 so its only next door.
Fella walks into a porn shop, goes upto the assistant and asks whether they have any inflatable dolls...
"Certainly sir, we've two varieties; the standard doll or the muslim doll" The shop assistant replies
"Well, what's the difference" enquires the customer
"The muslim one blows herself up"
:)
Disclaimer: racism's bad etc....
Ogopa Djz
22-06-2004, 23:05
Look at her, licking my arse like that.
Anyone'd think she wants my penile excrement.
She asking for it mang. :D :D
Travis Bickle
23-06-2004, 20:39
What did the fish say when it swam into the wall?
Dam
a woman is a lot like a carton of orange juice.
its not how its packaged, or how tall or short it is, or even how sweet the juice inside is....its just gettin the bloody flaps open!
haha thats brilliant! i've got a bad one...
what should you not say to a gay man in a bar?
'can i push your stool in?'
sam erasa
26-06-2004, 00:21
that is bad :rolleyes:
A sausage and an egg in a frying pan.
Sausage: its abit hot in here int it.
Egg: fuck me a talking sausage!!!
I'll get me coat.
o0oGedo0o
26-06-2004, 14:34
stupid 1: the trihaxulata is on the wall !!!!
stupid 2: what does wall mean?
Travis Bickle
27-06-2004, 22:36
A man is walking his three-legged dog in the park when he comes across a lamp. He rubs it and out pops a genie. The genie says "I'll grant you one wish." "Can you make my dog win Crufts?" asks the man. "What with only three legs? Wish again." the genie retorts. "OK" says the man, "Can you make England win Euro 2004 then?" The genie ponders a while before saying "let's see that dog again....."
where do you find a dog with no legs?
where u left it!
ok, ok,err
inteviewer: so phil nevel where are you going to play in the european cup?
phil: i dont know, but i over heard seven say i could be a draw back. ;)
am off
Did you hear about the woman with no arms or legs who won the world strawberry picking championship?
Jammy C*nt.
skullverine
10-07-2004, 07:04
another funny joke from my friend
if we have ear drum why dont we have ear guitar?
A Priest and a Rabbi are sat on a park bench when a little boy walks by.
The Priest says to the Rabbi, "Come on! Lets go fuck him!"
"Out of what?" says the Rabbi.
o0oGedo0o
17-07-2004, 19:09
Maria a beautiful latina fell in love with Jose. She planned to marry very
soon. She was so happy about her wedding plans, she decided to tell her papa
Papa told her, "Maria, you'll have to find another. Your Madre does not
know this, but Jose is your half-brother". So Maria forgot about her Jose,
and soon planned to marry Ricardo. But after telling papa again, he said, "
Maria ortra vez there's trouble still.
"You can not marry Ricardo, mi hija. please don't tell your mother, But
Ricardo and Jose are your half-brothers." Maria had no choice but to go to
her mama.
Mama already knew and said "Mi hija, do what makes you happy. Marry Ricardo
or marry Jose, because you are not related to Papa."
Gun_Runner
17-07-2004, 19:49
scientific studies show 99% of men would prefer to be tablecloths as its the only chance they have to get laid 3 times a night and pulled off last thing at night :D
o0oGedo0o
18-07-2004, 17:23
Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.
Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.
Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.
Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.
Q. Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll that they're selling in stores now?
A. It comes with all of Ken's stuff.
Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
A. About two - if they're thinly sliced.
Q. Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?
A. He loved it, but it scared the hell out of his dog.
Q. What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A. Swim!
Q. Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
A. Because it was dead.
Q. Why did the tree fall down?
A. The koala forgot to let go.
Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.
Q. What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?
A. The car salesman can probably drive!
2 guys meet up and one of them sees his friend with a black right eye. "What happened dude?" he asks. "Well, I went on the bus and this babe walked in. Her skirt was wedged into her ass crack, so I pulled it out. Suddenly her boyfriend turned to me and said that girls don't like it when people pull their skirts out of their asses and punched me."
The guys meet a week later, and surprisingly the bus guy has both of his eyes black. "what now?" asked his friend. "Well, I went on the bus and this babe came along, with her skirt wedged into her ass crack. Her boyfriend pulled her skirt out, so I tucked it back in, because chicks don't like it".
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and
sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When
he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The
bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would
taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you
see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm
here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way
to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this
is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way:
ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and
orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he
comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't
want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your
great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in
his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit
drinking."
nath_scfc
24-07-2004, 19:51
Right im back with some fresh material:)
A man from Birmingham goes for a job interview wearing an orange polyester shirt, bright red flares and stack heeled boots. The interviewer says" all you need now is a kipper tie" The brummie replies "That'd be nice- Two sugars please"
---
Tommy Cooperisms
1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."
2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The
shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too
high."
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in..
6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".
7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat
it.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds
like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at
him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's
cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or
my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other
one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the
other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'So that
was nice."
21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"
---
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Coz he was dead!
---
Attractive stewardess from TWA: "Sir, would you like some TWA coffee?"
Man:"I'd prefer some TWA tea"
---
Did you hear about the gay racehorse...
He kept tossing his jockey off
---
Mate of mine's missus was in a coma in hospital, there'd not been a flicker of life for weeks until one day a nurse was giving her a bed bath, and whilst the nurse was cleaning around the 'delicate areas' there was a flicker on all the monitors. The doctors were well excited by this, called my mate in and said that some oral sex might just bring her 'round.
My mate was very reluctant to say the least, however he agrees as long as all the monitoring equipment is set up in an adjacent room, for privacy's sake. All was going ok, after a few minutes the monitors start to show signs something's changing, 10 seconds later the monitors go ballistic - beeps everywhere, doctors and nurses in the next room well excited, then all of a sudden the monitors go dead. All the medical staff rush into the room to find my mate pulling up his trousers "what happened, what happened?" they cry.
My mate says "I think she's choked"
---
A group of people at the pearly gates. God says "He who comes forth will have eternal life". Jon came fifth and won a toaster
---
Zidane, Figo and Beckham are on their way to the pearly gates, when they get there, they speak in turn to St. Peter
Zidane: I am a great footballer who has dedicated his life to his art, and has brought great happiness to many people through it, can I go through the gates to heaven
St. Peter : I suppose so, go on then.
Next up is Figo :
Figo: I too am a great artist with the football, and have brought great happiness to many, can I enter the gates of heaven.
St. Peter .. Well, you could have tried harder some times, but go on then.
Finally its Beckhams turn.
Beckham ..Ummmm
St. Peter Dont tell me, you want your ball back
---
How do you know if a Vale fan has taken viagra?
He gets taller.
---
How many men does it take to clean out a toilet?
None, it's a woman's job
---
Italian with a rubber toe....?
Roberrrto
(coat, cloak, shoes and hat on)
Good news and bad news for you.
Saddam Hussein has been sentenced to the death penalty. The bad news is that David Beckham is taking it.
what do you call a dog wih no legs?
woodbine as you take it for a drag
---------------------------------
a old man was woundering thought his house one night after waking up needing to go to the tolet, he tryed finding the switchs to the lights but gave up and just wounder thought the darkness until he opent he door and the lights switched on thems them selfs, and when the man closes the door the light turns off, so the man belives god has helped him in his time of need, so the next morning he tell his wife the story, only to be told by his wife..."you stuip old fool you pissed in the friged"
ChelseaDave
24-07-2004, 23:24
Why's an eggs life so bad??
You only get laid once & the only woman that sits on your face is your mum...
thank you :D
detroit is a good place to live...if you're a bullet!!
Thierry14
26-07-2004, 14:18
What do you do If a Bird Craps On Your Windscreen?
Don't Ask Her Out Again!
MattShez
26-07-2004, 18:16
Some of these jokes are pretty poor! Especially Thierry's!
You guys suck bad! (No that aint a joke!)
Ogopa Djz
26-07-2004, 18:20
detroit is a good place to live...if you're a bullet!!
Lol. My cousins live up in detroit. I know what you mean. :D
nath_scfc
26-07-2004, 18:45
Some of these jokes are pretty poor! Especially Thierry's!
You guys suck bad! (No that aint a joke!)
:eek: me included? :p
Are you going give us some good jokes then?;)
Travis Bickle
16-08-2004, 20:15
Why does Michael Jackson like twenty-eight year olds ?
Because there's twenty of them.
a bloke came up to me the other day and said: when did you have your first wank?
i said 7:30.
you can have that one
Travis Bickle
17-08-2004, 12:33
Whats the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken.
pelepele
17-08-2004, 20:31
What time is bed time at michael jacksons house? :confused:
When the big hand touches the little hand! :eek: :eek: :eek:
Martinho_88
17-08-2004, 21:58
Why is the Afghan airforce so easy to train?
Because you only have to teach them how to take off.
Travis Bickle
17-08-2004, 22:15
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.
"When her husband came into the room he said, 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a b**** didn't piss out the window right onto my head."
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me."
"Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"
"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his a** out of the window and let loose right on my head!"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground
o0oGedo0o
17-08-2004, 22:48
lol nice one
Q. How does a mackem turn the light on after sex?
A. Open the car door.
Q. How do you tell if you have been robbed by a mackem?
A. The bin is empty and the cat is pregnant.
I will also get my coat.
LMAO. Love it.
A woman took her dog to the vet. He picked it up to put it on the table and it gave out a little groan.
The vet says "I'm gonna have to put this dog down."
"Why?" says the woman
"because he's heavy" replies the vet.
Zygalski
19-08-2004, 18:40
There was this woman see, and she makes love during the day while her husband is at work.
Without her knowing, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
One day her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet, where the little boy is also hiding.
The little boy says,\"Dark in here.\"
The man says, \"Yes it is.\"
Boy-\"I have a baseball.\"
Man -\"That\'s nice.\"
Boy - \"Want to buy it?\"
Man -\"No thanks\"
Boy - \"My dad\'s outside.\"
Man -\"OK, how much?\"
Boy -\"$250.00\"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom\'s lover end up in the closet together.
Boy -\"Dark in here.\"
Man -\"Yes, it is.\"
Boy -\"I have a baseball glove.\"
Man - remembering last time, asks,\"How much?\"
Boy -\"$750.\"
Man -\"Fine.\"
A few days later, the father says to the boy, \"Grab your ball and glove. Let\'s go outside and toss the baseball.\"
The boy says, \"I can\'t. I sold them.\"
The father asks, \"How much did you sell them for?\"
The son says \"$1,000.\"
The father says, \"That\'s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is what more than those two things cost. \"I\'m going to take you to church and make you confess.\"
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, \"Dark in here.\"
The priest says,\"Don\'t start that crap again!\"
from http://www.collegemix.com/content.php?q=3&id=2630
pelepele
20-08-2004, 12:37
a dyslexic man walks into a bra..
pelepele
20-08-2004, 13:18
whats pink and fluffy? Pink Fluff :p
what blue and fluffy? Pink Fluff holding its breath ;)
taxi..........
What's the connection between a fat woman and a moped?
They're both great to ride unless your mates see you on one
pelepele
20-08-2004, 13:22
what do you call postman pat retired? pat
You do realise your jokes are fucking shit don't you?
how do you take out an afghan tank?
shoot the guy pushing it.
pelepele
20-08-2004, 13:36
of course i realise marshy. Have you seen the jokes on this thread?
what about this one?
a naked woman on all fours has cum dripping from her box and her mouth, what does this tell you?
the floors level.
pelepele
20-08-2004, 13:37
whats four foot tall and walks in to tables?
Dwight Yorkes baby
pelepele
20-08-2004, 13:38
whats purple and stiff?
a dead baby
Still shit
Every single one of them!!!
pelepele
20-08-2004, 14:05
yeah you know your gonna tell them to your mates!
Here one just for you marshy.
An Ipswich fan was caught climbing the wall at Portman Road he was dragged back down and told to watch the rest of the match........
Yeah your right, i'll stop now
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