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Old 27-05-2009, 15:30   #1
fick
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PesGaming Group Therapy

As I entered the therapy room several pairs of eyes looked towards me, there was even the odd nodded acknowledgement. I pressed on into the room hoping that many of these unfortunates would be salvageable.

I surveyed the fidgeting masses for a few seconds before taking my seat and introducing myself.

Then it was their turn.

Sat directly to my left and the first to introduce himself was a colourful character named Cookie. His intro was surprising; the patient notes merely had “communication issues”, yet the quickly drawn picture of himself waving and saying hello had shown an obvious and inventive talent. It had soon dawned however that Cookie’s linguistic skills were that of a two year old.

To his left was Dale. Dale appeared fairly normal, apart from the yellow shirt and the fact he was leaning heavily against Cookie. Dale was a recovering alcoholic with a history of public nuisance offences and was attending the session thanks to his last wild bender. The court had been lenient and suspended his sentence in the hope some counselling might help him straighten up. He hiccupped a ‘hiya mate’, before drifting back into a comatose state.

The gentleman next to Dale, while somewhat perturbed by the alcoholics’ odour, introduced himself quite eloquently. His name was Barry. Barry seemed ordinary. Until I realised his feet were not actually touching the floor. There was something about him not liking to get his feet wet and sinking ground, but as yet it didn’t make too much sense.

The man next to Barry however could not be described as normal. Constantly looking over his shoulders and muttering, albeit in incomprehensible babble, his nervous disposition and apparent paranoia meant he barely acknowledged the circle of people around him. I checked his file. Dundons. Schitzotypal. Capitalised letters warned not to get involved in deep discussions on anything vaguely governmental or conspiratorial.

Next was a diminutive creature. While not as active as Dundons, his eyes stayed rarely still. Viperized half introduced himself before changing the subject to some southern football team of little notoriety, soon switching to another altogether different yet still uninteresting topic. His notes hinted towards ADD, I feared it may be worse. AFC.

The next attendee was sat almost directly opposite and fortunately the furthest away. He was a vile snarling creature, still bound in his straight jacket. His file was splattered with the blood of an unfortunate clerk amongst other, as yet unidentified, stains. Psycho – Prison referral – anger management and self control issues. He was only a few months into a ten year stretch for aggravated assault with sado-masochistic undertones and a side order of buggery. His name was Barndoor. “Cunt”. He said.

Pausing only briefly to acknowledge my existence before continuing to lecture Barndoor on what seemed to be anything and everything was Original? His social skills appeared very good, the structure of his language and the intellect required to purvey his ideas were way above the general level of the group. The only hints towards his histrionic personality were his desire to be heard, even by vulgar creatures like Barndoor, his ineffable charm and the obvious question mark after his name.

Genuflecting quietly to the side of Original? Was TheBishop. He had been labelled as having multiple personality disorder but frankly he seemed almost permanently stuck in his alter ego. He blessed me then continued in quiet prayer.

To TheBishops left was Nath. Nath had what had been described as the worst cast of Stoke depression known to man. I have to admit my knowledge of Stoke depression is limited although there is something about it being a long throw from normal depression.

The penultimate in the circle was another small, insignificant character. Going by the name Meyyappen, he was a classic case of Asperger Syndrome. His inability to interact socially was more than evident as he only communicated rarely and made very little sense. He was also known to have some violent, childlike mood swings. There was a rumour he was one of Barndoors old victims, but nothing was ever proven.

The last of the group was certainly an enigma. His constant witticisms were of generally low quality, but in high quantity. Dragonfly had set an all new humour low and been the first diagnosed case of Ken Dodd syndrome in the UK. His greeting was more of an inane chuckle than an actual sentence. I was pleased his tickling stick was confiscated before the session.

I took a moment to survey the group again. I doubted a wider range of psychological issues had ever been confined to one small space before and I knew there were more in the wards yet to be discovered.

Trying not to despair and using my clipboard as a shield from Barndoor’s spittle, I forged ahead into the session...
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Old 27-05-2009, 15:49   #2
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An amusing read, but that might change if the Northerner would find himself in that therapy group.
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Old 27-05-2009, 15:55   #3
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brilliant.


I'm next to Barry
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Old 27-05-2009, 16:01   #4
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Acquiesce has by now received a condescending reply from Football777. Right Son?Acquiesce has by now received a condescending reply from Football777. Right Son?Acquiesce has by now received a condescending reply from Football777. Right Son?Acquiesce has by now received a condescending reply from Football777. Right Son?Acquiesce has by now received a condescending reply from Football777. Right Son?Acquiesce has by now received a condescending reply from Football777. Right Son?Acquiesce has by now received a condescending reply from Football777. Right Son?Acquiesce has by now received a condescending reply from Football777. Right Son?Acquiesce has by now received a condescending reply from Football777. Right Son?

Then Level 6 walked into the room, holding hands with his boyfriend. BarnDoor was so appalled he ordered Dale to throw his bottle of Buckfast at the pair.
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Old 27-05-2009, 16:11   #5
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Barry is likely to have heard by now that PESInsight was where the cool kids hung outBarry is likely to have heard by now that PESInsight was where the cool kids hung outBarry is likely to have heard by now that PESInsight was where the cool kids hung outBarry is likely to have heard by now that PESInsight was where the cool kids hung outBarry is likely to have heard by now that PESInsight was where the cool kids hung outBarry is likely to have heard by now that PESInsight was where the cool kids hung outBarry is likely to have heard by now that PESInsight was where the cool kids hung outBarry is likely to have heard by now that PESInsight was where the cool kids hung outBarry is likely to have heard by now that PESInsight was where the cool kids hung outBarry is likely to have heard by now that PESInsight was where the cool kids hung outBarry is likely to have heard by now that PESInsight was where the cool kids hung out

Next to Dale? It's like a dream come true.

Quote:
and the obvious question mark after his name.


Great read fick.
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Old 27-05-2009, 16:13   #6
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Papa is likely to have heard by now that PESInsight was where the cool kids hung outPapa is likely to have heard by now that PESInsight was where the cool kids hung outPapa is likely to have heard by now that PESInsight was where the cool kids hung outPapa is likely to have heard by now that PESInsight was where the cool kids hung outPapa is likely to have heard by now that PESInsight was where the cool kids hung outPapa is likely to have heard by now that PESInsight was where the cool kids hung outPapa is likely to have heard by now that PESInsight was where the cool kids hung outPapa is likely to have heard by now that PESInsight was where the cool kids hung outPapa is likely to have heard by now that PESInsight was where the cool kids hung outPapa is likely to have heard by now that PESInsight was where the cool kids hung outPapa is likely to have heard by now that PESInsight was where the cool kids hung out

Excellent stuff Fick, I'm looking forward to the next instalment.
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Old 27-05-2009, 16:26   #7
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Can I swap seats with Bishop please.

Meyyappan for Christ sake?
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Old 27-05-2009, 16:29   #8
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I demand Barndoor be let out and rampage Nath's ass.

Whens the next one due Fick?
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Old 27-05-2009, 16:43   #9
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Rather that than sit next to Meyappan.
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Old 27-05-2009, 18:16   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nath_scfc View Post
Can I swap seats with Bishop please.

Meyyappan for Christ sake?
You'll sit where your instructed to. It seems we already have a misfit in the group.
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Old 27-05-2009, 18:33   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fick View Post
Next was a diminutive creature. While not as active as Dundons, his eyes stayed rarely still. Viperized half introduced himself before changing the subject to some southern football team of little notoriety, soon switching to another altogether different yet still uninteresting topic. His notes hinted towards ADD, I feared it may be worse. AFC.
Very good.

Quote:
Originally Posted by fick
Pausing only briefly to acknowledge my existence before continuing to lecture Barndoor on what seemed to be anything and everything was Original? His social skills appeared very good, the structure of his language and the intellect required to purvey his ideas were way above the general level of the group. The only hints towards his histrionic personality were his desire to be heard, even by vulgar creatures like Barndoor, his ineffable charm and the obvious question mark after his name.
Also very good.
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Not even sound same!

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Old 27-05-2009, 23:34   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fick
Sat directly to my left and the first to introduce himself was a colourful character named Cookie. His intro was surprising; the patient notes merely had “communication issues”, yet the quickly drawn picture of himself waving and saying hello had shown an obvious and inventive talent. It had soon dawned however that Cookie’s linguistic skills were that of a two year old.

Damn, where's my crayons, I need to sketch a pic to accurately portray how I'm feeling right now.
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Old 28-05-2009, 12:26   #13
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Dragonfly is now aiming for Zygalski God-like statusDragonfly is now aiming for Zygalski God-like statusDragonfly is now aiming for Zygalski God-like statusDragonfly is now aiming for Zygalski God-like statusDragonfly is now aiming for Zygalski God-like statusDragonfly is now aiming for Zygalski God-like statusDragonfly is now aiming for Zygalski God-like statusDragonfly is now aiming for Zygalski God-like statusDragonfly is now aiming for Zygalski God-like statusDragonfly is now aiming for Zygalski God-like statusDragonfly is now aiming for Zygalski God-like status

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cookie View Post
Damn, where's my crayons, I need to sketch a pic to accurately portray how I'm feeling right now.
Surely that's plagiarism?Like all your work.
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Old 01-06-2009, 15:34   #14
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PesGaming Group Therapy - Session 2

“...yet, in the current socio-economic crisis it is not really a viable option.” Said Original?
Dragonfly looked bemused and for once was short of a pun. “I only asked the time” he said.
“Gentlemen, please can we return to the issue at hand?” I looked at my watch. 15 minutes had passed during Original?’s diatribe and the session was only due to last an hour.
“Okay, so, we’re looking at why we are here and more importantly, what we can do to help ourselves and each other”
“I can help myself to Meyyappen” said Barndoor, thought sneering, spittle flecked lips.
“Thank you Barndoor, but I think that defeats the object of him actually receiving any constructive help”.
Meyyappen whimpered.
“Well Barndoor”, I continued while setting my clipboard to defence mode “seeing as how you seem so eager to voice an opinion, maybe you should start us off?”
“Nothing to say to you, fucker”
A piece of paper was hurriedly pushed in front of my face. On its surface was a beautifully rendered self portrait of Cookie with his arm raised in the air, akin to a pupil trying to attract the teacher’s attention.
“Yes Cookie, what is it?”
Paper now back on his lap, Cookie scribbled furiously. In no time at all he raised the sheet again to show a disturbing image of a brute that looked similar to Barndoor, backscuttling a small, battered and bloodied creature who’s only identifiable feature was a mouth screaming in pain.
“Oh!”
Cookie turned the sheet to allow the rest of the room to see it. As it turned I noted their reactions. Most appeared disgusted, Meyyappen feinted and Dundons covered his rear. Only Barndoor smiled. “Good times”, he said.
“Good times?” I asked. “Good times. Is that how you see such depravity?”
“Gash”, came the response.
“He is an evil that even hell hath not seen” said TheBishop, “His kind is no creation of our lord. He is an abomination, a repugnant blight on our earth, a vile and nauseati...”
“Thanks for the input TheBishop, but I think we ought to keep things positive here”
“Hey Bish” said Barndoor, “I always fancied being in the clergy. All those little boys in dresses, hmmmm, yummy!”
“Me no like him” shouted Meyyappen, a shaking arm pointing vaguely in Barndoor’s direction. “He nasty man.”
“Admittedly, he’s not the most pleasant of people. It’s hard to find anything positive to say about the man” agreed Barry.
Barndoor roared with laughter “Ha! Judged by a retard and a dyke plugger! Could it be any more damning?”
“Damn, dyke! Nice one BD!” said Dragonfly. I’ll have to remember that one.
“If I may interject?” proffered Original?
“Why not, everyone else has” I said.
“What Barndoor suffers from is obviously linked to an unhappy childhood, probably affected by poor economic stability and possible abuse.”
“Wrong, fuckwit. Hey doc? Does this pompous axe wound have to sit next to me?”
“Yes”, I said, “Look Barndoor, it’s obvious you have some issues regarding your behaviour. You are obscene, brash, inconsiderate of others and frankly have one of the most aggressive personalities I think I have encountered”
“And the bad points?”
Involuntarily my palm moved to my forehead. I took the opportunity to look at my watch. Shit. Only half the session gone. I raised my eyes and decided to change tack.
“Does anyone other than Barndoor have any insight?”
Frantic scribbling ensued. Another piece of paper was thrust in front of my face.
“Cookie, you could just raise your hand, rather than drawing it.”
“Hi, my names Dale and I’m an alcoholic” came a voice from Cookie’s shoulder. “My doctor said I should only drink one day a week. Problem is I couldn’t decide which one, so chose them all.”
“Thanks Dale.”
Another sheet appeared before me. This time it had a picture of Cookie holding up sheet saying ‘sorry’.
“Please Cookie, what’s on your mind? Or your piece of paper?” Cookie began to scribble.
“Doc?” This time it was the so far silent voice of Nath.
“Yes Nath?”
“Doc, why am I in here with these nutjobs?”
“Because you’re a Stoke supporter Nath. There is little modern medicine can do for you”
“But all they do is give me electric shock treatment.”
“I know Nath, I know. We couldn’t actually think of anything else to help you out of your masochistic obsession.”
Cookie shoved a new piece of paper in front of me.
“Cookie, we only have ten minutes left. Cross your legs or something”
A look of realisation flashed across Barry’s face and he nervously looked at the floor below Cookie’s chair.
“Look guys”, I said “we really are going to have to work on our communication here if we intend to get anywhere. Due to certain patients limited freedom we only get an hour and I don’t really want to waste it on trivialities”.
“They’re my favourite. Much prefer them to Cadbury’s roses” said Viperized.
With a strange series of wriggling motions, Barndoor dislocated and re-located his right arm until it was free from the straight jacket. Pausing briefly to look ruefully at it, he brought it down hard onto Viperized’s head with a sickening thud. Viperized’s limp body slumped to the floor.
A further series of dislocations saw Barndoor’s arm back in his straight jacket. “Never did like that guy.” He said.
“Hmmm. I think we should call it a day at that.” I said.
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Old 01-06-2009, 16:53   #15
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Mjällharth has by now had a thread closed by AliMjällharth has by now had a thread closed by AliMjällharth has by now had a thread closed by AliMjällharth has by now had a thread closed by AliMjällharth has by now had a thread closed by AliMjällharth has by now had a thread closed by AliMjällharth has by now had a thread closed by AliMjällharth has by now had a thread closed by AliMjällharth has by now had a thread closed by AliMjällharth has by now had a thread closed by AliMjällharth has by now had a thread closed by Ali

This is genius. Write a book. Please.
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