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Old 18-05-2006, 13:26   #1
BarnDoor
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The most contemptible films of all time

This thread will be devoted to the most wretched films of all time, those with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Now this isn't just about the films you hate - for example, I hate 'The Village', but I won't put it because I could see how others could like it. So think carefully about this, because this thread is worthy of only those films with no worth. You've been forewarned - what you are about to see are some of the most vile and contemptible films in the history of the universe that are thoroughly horrendous in every way and should never have been concieved, let alone made. Here's my ten:

Gone Fishin'



I've spoke of this one before - had the misfortune to see it twice. Poor old Pesci does not deserve this, Glover certainly does, and Terence from Emmerdale plays the baddie. All in all, a real abortion of a film that sucks hairy cock in all aspects. Yeah the fish may have been laughing but no other fucker was. The director should be made to dance naked in the streets in Brixton with a sign saying "There ain't no black in the union jack". Hopefully some nice black youths will correct his talentless ways with a baseball bat and a pair of rottweilers

The Man Who Knew Too Little



We all love Bill but what the fuck was he doing starring in this crock of shit? Set in London, it also features Richard "I don't fucking believe it!" Wilson and Minty off Eastenders as bad guys, along with, rather unfortunately considering he didn't deserve it, Alfred Molina. A true malignant cancerous growth of a film that some of you may have had the displeasure to see last night on BBC1.

Revolution



A deserved flop, this Al Pacino vehicle is not even worth seeing for the intrigue value. Donald Sutherland does a shit English accent, and the whole thing has the stench of rotting tampons about it and not half the charm. Worst of all, Sid "Ricky 'The Fat Cunt' Butcher" Owen plays his son and then when he gets older he's played by Dexter "I fuck kids" Fletcher, a frankly appaling combo. This disgusting, degraded piece of wank must be erased from the vaults of film history and I personally will not rest until I get my two hours back that I wasted watching this shite from that smelly minge Al Pacino.

The Magical Legend of the Leprechauns



There I was quietly flicking through the Sky channels and having a leisurely wank when the remote dies while on Sky Movies 6, and this wankfest is on. I am forced to watch the whole thing (thank fuck it was only the second part and was already half way through) as I can't believe something can be so terrible. Plotline - Fairies fight Leprechauns, with a Romeo and Juliet style twist of lovers on each side trying to stop it, and Randy Quaid has to help. Yes, that's RANDY Quaid, the fat, should-have-been-aborted-at-birth-but-was-instead-dropped-on-his-head-about-10-fucking times cunt brother himself. Sounds bad? Try watching it. And if you think that's bad, you haven't seen anything yet.

3 hours long? Check.
Horrendous special effects? Check.
Roger Daltrey as a Fairy general? Check.
Kevin McKidd, a good actor, as a red-haired Leprechaun warrior? Check.
Colm "I'll kill the fucker meself!" Meaney as the Leprechaun leader? Fucking check.
Whoopi Goldberg as the Banshee? You better fucking believe it!
Terrible Irish accents? Did you ever fucking doubt it?

A truly, truly wretched pile of abortion, the kind that was dragged out with burning forceps, then thrown into a pile of steaming manure, burnt in acid and then shoved back in before being born and then decapitated at birth. I'm just glad I didn't see the first part, otherwise I'd have some real scathing things to say about it.

The Terror beneath Loch Ness



If you can believe this I actually bought this film for £2.99 on amazon and I was fucking robbed. Words cannot describe this films awfulness, it is on a scale of unimaginable wankitude. The film's story is truely horrendous; a hole is made in loch ness and out comes this really shit CGI monster who goes around eating the Scottish populace. He also kills the original Nessie who looks basically like a pink dildo with a mouth and if you ever saw it instead of running you would drag it to the shore and kick the cunt to death and then sell it for a fiver on Ebay.

The film stinks of shit in other areas also. Firstly, this film is supposed to be set in Scotland but it is clearly shot in America with really wank American actors playing Scottish roles and doing the worst Scottish accents I have ever heard and it actually hurt my body listening to it. Then the mother load; truely the shittest actor in history, Patrick "I have a snatch on my upper lip" Bergin appears and truely sends the film on a downward spiral of that of a shit filled tornado. His accent is wank, apparently the monster killed his son years before but no one gives two shits about it and then to sum it all up he goes down the loch at the end and fights the monster with Braveheart style facepaint.

I assure you, if you watch the film you may never recover - i slipped into a coma for six months after the ordeal and i have never been the fucking same since

The Bruce



No one would have seen this film so i will be fucking brief as possible as i actually paid 99p for this off Ebay but again i was robbed and i want my bastard quid back. This film was obviously trying to ride on the success of Braveheart but fails miserably. It has the biggest battle ever to be filmed in Britain but that was scant consilation as it was wank anyway and the film sucked king kong's grannies bannana smelling stench trench.

Here is why it stunk of shit:

1/ The film has no sense of direction and the acting is appalling and makes you want to hide behind a chair praying to God the father, jesus and any other person that would listen for it to end as quickly as possible

2/ The actors: Apparently the biggest thing to come out of scotland since Sean Connory's cock is in this. Some lank haired cunt who can't act for shit. Brian Blessed makes an appearance but he looks like he always does, an obnoxious fat cunt with big tits and no talent

3/ Oliver " I'd do anything for a beer" Reed pops his fat face in and believe me it does nothing for it. To think a great actor would star is this shit is beyond me. He dies in the film which at least made me laugh

4/ Wolf out of ITV's Gladiators is in it and thats when my body truely couldn't take much more. A long haired talentless minge who should have really took his own life by now.

5/ It goes on for two hours which is reason enough not to watch it.


New Jack City



Yes yes the film is all coming back to me now. Directed by Mario Van Pebbles who is famous for fuck all as we all know. The film synopsis is some black gang trying to take over New York led by Wesley Snipes and some other cunts. They take on the Mafia and win which makes all us laugh as we know it would never fucking happen. Ice T pops his shit acting talents in and makes the film even worse and also comes out with the worst line in cinema:

"I want to shoot you so bad, my dicks hard!"

What a pile of foetal matter. Shit music, shit acting, direction all over the shop, and you are suppose to care when people you are suppose to give two shits about die and you are only glad when they do. This film should never have been made and that annoying woman in it who gets killed is the best bit in it and that old leperus old bloke in it saying its wrong to steal and blah blah should have been killed as well. A pile of cancer and everyone should avoid it at all costs.

Super Mario Bros



Well I had to get at least one video game adaptation in here somewhere, and here it is. Rather than pick a fat Italian minge to play Mario they chose a fat Cockney minge in Bob Hoskins, and from there the whole thing goes downhill. Poor old John Leguizamo playing Luigi who bears no resemblence to his cancerous brother, setting it in the modern world and having characters that don't even look like their Nintendo counterparts and having Yoshi as some sort of raptor. Also, Dennis Hopper plays yet another baddie in a shit film. The plot was wank and so was this fucking film - it stunk like Mrs Bowser's minge after she gave birth to his 7 bastard koopa kid cousins.

The Island of Dr Moreau



The originals were bad enough but then some silly minge decided to remake it once more with that fat mott Marlon Brando, who by then had the body of an obese elephant who'd long lost the will to live and turned to eating whole lions on the Savannah. Further cunts are provided in Val Kilmer, who by this point had clearly given up any hope of a good acting career and David 'My life's shit but at least I get to do Anna Friel' Thewlis, the Scouse cancer himself. The animals look shit, and we're supposed to give a fuck about them - if I had my way I'd go on the island and exterminate the lot of them. More abortions pop up in the shape of Ron 'Gorilla's arse-face' Perlman and Temeura 'Cook the man some fucking eggs!' Morrison. A violent, shit-smelling, traumatising piece which if I was ever forced to watch again might well give me a supra-nuclear brain haemorrhage.

Escape from L.A



We all loved Snake Plissken in Escape from New York in 1981, but then that now-cancerous coffin dodger John Carpenter thought it would be a good idea to make a sequel 15 years later and set it Los Angeles - I'm sorry to report that he was violently wrong. Kurt is an old cunt now, while he is admirably helped in destroying the film by that wretched old minge Peter Fonda as a surfer dude, Pam Grier as some sort of fat old bitch and Stacy Keach as a military-type malignant twat. Unfortunately one has to feel sorry for Steve Buscemi, who plays an annoying sidekick type wanker and Bruce Campbell, but thankfully his face is largely covered up. The special effects are laughably bad, especially in the scene where Fonda and Snake 'ride' a huge wave while trying to keep up with the bad guys car (Yes, its as bad as it sounds). A truly horrible pile of wretched abortion that ruined the legacy of Snake, something which I cannot forgive Carpenter for and I will not rest until that old minge dies of bowel cancer.

Vercingetorix (Druids)



Christopher Lambert plays the legendary Gallic leader Vercingetorix in a film recreating his struggles with Caesar in the 1st century BC, culminating in the siege of Alesia and his death. Problem is old Lambert simply looks like a long-haired bearded pissflap and the whole film stinks of rancid shit. Caesar was a thin fit hardened man but the fat cunt playing him looks like a cross between William Shatner and Marlon Brando. Max von Sydow plays a Druid and the whole thing smells of the worst type of shit, the kind that lodges inside the arse crack and doesn't want to come out.

Attila



Historical films are always good to pick on, but this is especially bad. First of all we have bearded Scottish mott Gerard Butler playing Attila the Hun, who was of course a Mongoloid-type from the Steppe. Anyone see the problem here? And of course this wankfest goes fast downhill from here. It boasts a cast of many failed abortions, such as:

Powers 'Snatch-Face' Boothe.
Steven 'The Baldy Cunt' Berkoff
Tommy 'Scottish Scarred Minge' Flannagan
Tim 'The Child Fiddler' Curry
Liam 'Bog Irish Bastard' Cunningham

Of course all these actors are put in ridiculous roles that can't fail but prove this film is total wank. Aside from being shit as it is, accuracy-wise it is horrendously bad - the Roman Legionnaries are depicted as they would have appeared in the 1st/2nd century AD, the typical look if you will, despite the fact that they had not looked like that for nearly 300 years. As for that tagline, well:

"Men Followed....Me out of the theatre"
"Women Loved....It when this film fucking finished"
"Rome Trembled....When it learnt the shit actors that were going to be in the film"

What a pile of irredemable arsecrack.

GoodBurger



Now we all loved Kenan and Kel when we too young to know they were cunts but this film was like that of painful brain anerusym that pains the head so much you pull out your own eye sockets just to scratch the bastard itch away.
The film attempts a story about rival burger bars and who hates who and sucks off the manager behind the dustbins. It also includes Tessio out of the godfather who looks very cancerous and is surely being held up by strings so he doesn't fucking keel over and die.
I would rather eat out my dead grannies cob webbed snatch with side order of menstural fluid with my grandfathers rotting leprosy cock for desert than watch this terminally ill film again

The Beast Must Die



A typically shit 1970's British horror film but with none of the charm of those made by Hammer. Horrendous premise - people gather at a country house, and basically there's a werewolf, and we've gotta guess who it is. There's a terrible bit where a clock comes up and they give us 30 seconds to guess who it is. A steaming pile of rancid abortion, this disgusting, degraded motion picture unfortunately stars Peter Cushing, as well as a rather young Michael Gambon, sporting a rather fetching 'snatch on upper lip' moustache. Worse of all is the main star, one Calvin Lockhart. Doesn't sound familiar? Try King Willie from Predator 2. "It come....from the other side!" and all that bollocks before mercifully the Predator rips his head off. A truly wretched film that should be thrown into the deepest bowels of the cinematic hall of shame vaults and never seen again.
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"Now I absolutely despise the murderer Herzog. I tell him to his face that I want to see him perish like the llama he executed. He should be thrown to the crocodiles alive! An anaconda should throttle him slowly! The sting of a deadly spider should paralyze him! His brain should burst from the bite of the most poisonous of all snakes! Panthers shouldn't slit his throat open with their claws, that would be too good for him! No. Big red ants should piss in his eyes, eat his balls, penetrate his asshole, and eat his guts! He should get the plague! Syphilis! Malaria! Yellow fever! Leprosy! In vain. The more I wish the most horrible of deaths on him and treat him like the scum of the earth that he is, the less I can get rid of him!" - Kinski on Herzog


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Old 18-05-2006, 13:29   #2
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The Forgotten was laughably poor in my opinion. But given it's 5.8 rating on IMDB I guess some people like it.
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Old 18-05-2006, 13:56   #3
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The Forgotten was laughably poor in my opinion. But given it's 5.8 rating on IMDB I guess some people like it.

Is that the one with Julianne "I star in everything" Moore? I can't stand her or her shit films. It looked a pile of shit and i'm sure i would never watch it. Hopefully anyway
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"Now I absolutely despise the murderer Herzog. I tell him to his face that I want to see him perish like the llama he executed. He should be thrown to the crocodiles alive! An anaconda should throttle him slowly! The sting of a deadly spider should paralyze him! His brain should burst from the bite of the most poisonous of all snakes! Panthers shouldn't slit his throat open with their claws, that would be too good for him! No. Big red ants should piss in his eyes, eat his balls, penetrate his asshole, and eat his guts! He should get the plague! Syphilis! Malaria! Yellow fever! Leprosy! In vain. The more I wish the most horrible of deaths on him and treat him like the scum of the earth that he is, the less I can get rid of him!" - Kinski on Herzog
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Old 18-05-2006, 14:03   #4
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The Matrix sequels are the worst films ever made. Eternal Sunshine comes close, and Jaws: the Revenge.
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Old 18-05-2006, 14:04   #5
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Hate eachother in real life, love eachother on the internet. And then zZzzz. Watching this gives me instant diarrhea. Nominated for a Golden Globe once apparently How did a respectable actor(well, he did some great movies) like Hanks get caught up in this?


Problem Child

I supposedly slipped a laugh at a joke in this move, but I couldn't remember. The story is abysmal, the characters deserve to be shot. Seriously, none of the actors,directors or anyone closely related to the movie(like the catering) should be stuck on an island in the Atlantic ocean without supplies.
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Old 18-05-2006, 14:24   #6
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shut up you worthless attention seeking faggot
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Old 18-05-2006, 14:48   #7
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shut up you worthless attention seeking faggot

Who the fuck are you talking to daft cunt?
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"Now I absolutely despise the murderer Herzog. I tell him to his face that I want to see him perish like the llama he executed. He should be thrown to the crocodiles alive! An anaconda should throttle him slowly! The sting of a deadly spider should paralyze him! His brain should burst from the bite of the most poisonous of all snakes! Panthers shouldn't slit his throat open with their claws, that would be too good for him! No. Big red ants should piss in his eyes, eat his balls, penetrate his asshole, and eat his guts! He should get the plague! Syphilis! Malaria! Yellow fever! Leprosy! In vain. The more I wish the most horrible of deaths on him and treat him like the scum of the earth that he is, the less I can get rid of him!" - Kinski on Herzog
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Old 18-05-2006, 14:52   #8
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Try posting without looking like you've spent the last year sucking cock
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Old 18-05-2006, 15:02   #9
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Try posting without looking like you've spent the last year sucking cock



Lame, but it's still better than your silly attempt.
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Old 18-05-2006, 15:54   #10
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Street Fighter: The movie



The only positive is seeing that dead bastard flying across the screen in the fight at the end. Never understood why Guile was the main character, and new liked the fact that it had Kylie Minogue in it.

Mars Attacks



Piece of shit; so bad I have never watched it fully. I cannot believe some great actors like cancerous Nicholson and Pierce Brosnan actually said yes to being in this. Do actors just get a script, and as long as the money is good, they don't give a shit about how awful the whole premise is?

Highlander 2



The first was damn good; I wanted to kill myself after watching this. Soemtimes you have to ask yourself, do directors purposefully make shit films. I mean come on, from the back of the box/blurb, you can tell this film is going to stink worse than Connerys bell.

Black Knight



Some black bastard goes back in time, but instead of appearing in America, somehow he gets over to good old england. Makes no sense to me. Shit comedian, shit actor, shit plot=shit film.

Avoid like the plague.
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Old 18-05-2006, 16:00   #11
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Try posting without looking like you've spent the last year sucking cock

What's you mothers excuse then for spreading her legs up alleyway's at three in the morning every fucking night for 10 pence or best offer for a ride?
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"Now I absolutely despise the murderer Herzog. I tell him to his face that I want to see him perish like the llama he executed. He should be thrown to the crocodiles alive! An anaconda should throttle him slowly! The sting of a deadly spider should paralyze him! His brain should burst from the bite of the most poisonous of all snakes! Panthers shouldn't slit his throat open with their claws, that would be too good for him! No. Big red ants should piss in his eyes, eat his balls, penetrate his asshole, and eat his guts! He should get the plague! Syphilis! Malaria! Yellow fever! Leprosy! In vain. The more I wish the most horrible of deaths on him and treat him like the scum of the earth that he is, the less I can get rid of him!" - Kinski on Herzog
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Old 18-05-2006, 16:11   #12
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Had to see this shite with the ex wife, fucking god awful
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Old 18-05-2006, 16:34   #13
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Mars Attacks! is a mantlepiece, jonno is a tasteless monkey snatch.
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Old 18-05-2006, 16:44   #14
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Mars Attacks! is a mantlepiece, jonno is a tasteless monkey snatch.
Mmm, I'd have called him King Kong's rotting-smegma eating bastard abortion myself.
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"Now I absolutely despise the murderer Herzog. I tell him to his face that I want to see him perish like the llama he executed. He should be thrown to the crocodiles alive! An anaconda should throttle him slowly! The sting of a deadly spider should paralyze him! His brain should burst from the bite of the most poisonous of all snakes! Panthers shouldn't slit his throat open with their claws, that would be too good for him! No. Big red ants should piss in his eyes, eat his balls, penetrate his asshole, and eat his guts! He should get the plague! Syphilis! Malaria! Yellow fever! Leprosy! In vain. The more I wish the most horrible of deaths on him and treat him like the scum of the earth that he is, the less I can get rid of him!" - Kinski on Herzog
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Old 18-05-2006, 16:51   #15
Alvin
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Alvin has by now received a condescending reply from Football777. Right Son?Alvin has by now received a condescending reply from Football777. Right Son?Alvin has by now received a condescending reply from Football777. Right Son?Alvin has by now received a condescending reply from Football777. Right Son?Alvin has by now received a condescending reply from Football777. Right Son?Alvin has by now received a condescending reply from Football777. Right Son?Alvin has by now received a condescending reply from Football777. Right Son?Alvin has by now received a condescending reply from Football777. Right Son?Alvin has by now received a condescending reply from Football777. Right Son?Alvin has by now received a condescending reply from Football777. Right Son?Alvin has by now received a condescending reply from Football777. Right Son?

I'm just not as prosaic as you.
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